


A Safe Mooring

by apkidd



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bisexual Dean, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Crushes, Destiel - Freeform, Domestic Fluff, Falling In Love, Homo, Human Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Motorsport, Mutual Pining, POV Third Person, Pining, Professor Castiel (Supernatural), Slow Romance, Smut, all the sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 32,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27175810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apkidd/pseuds/apkidd
Summary: When Dean has a one night stand with a handsome, blue-eyed stranger, he’s relieved he’ll probably never see him again, hoping to keep his conflicted sexuality firmly in the closet.A mechanic and professional stock car driver, he’s not ready to out himself in the heavily hetero spaces he exists in. He especially doesn’t want to disappoint his dad, who can barely stay sober as it is.But when the handsome stranger turns out to be one of Sam’s professors, Dean can’t keep himself away.Their relationship has no labels, no strings, and no expectations. None of that girly chick-flick crap.But when both Dean and Castiel grow closer, how will Dean keep his secret and keep everyone else in his life happy? Of course he won’t catch feelings for Castiel... right?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 117
Kudos: 278





	1. 1

Dean took another shot. The tequila hit hot and fast and it was just what he needed to steel his nerves.

He questioned for the fifth time why he’d come here or more likely how he got here. He had gone for a casual few drinks at The Roadhouse and stumbling along the strip back to his baby he had passed the club. In the back of his mind he knew the answer: he wanted to get laid.

He squinted up at the entry with heavy whisky eyes. The rainbow flags, Britney humming from the half ajar door. He did a quick glance to see if there was anyone around he knew and fuck it, he slipped inside.

He ordered a tequila, deciding that he’d probably had too much to drive home anyway and a hangover was a hangover.

He looked out onto the dance floor, it was late and less busy than he’d hoped. Groups filled out the dance floor, sweaty and placated. The alcohol numbed them, loosening them the way Dean hoped it would do for him too.

His glass was empty and he had energy to burn. Perhaps a gay club wasn’t the best place to pick someone up, especially as he only had that kind of experience with women but if he was being totally honest, he was bored. The girls were great but it never worked and as much as he tried not to think about the other side of himself, the side that whispered, _maybe try guys?_ the more it pushed itself to the surface of his fantasies like a car gaining speed.

Another tequila and he wanted the dance floor. His energy would have to manifest itself some other way and he considered stepping under the flashing lights and getting lost in the mass of bodies.

A group of older women to his left took their cocktails over to a booth and the bar seemed far more empty than before. He watched them, their bodies, but they did nothing for him.

He looked down the curved bar to see one other person. A dark haired man nursing a spirit of some kind. He wore a beige trench coat and beneath was a shirt and tie, as if he’d just come from work.

Dean studied his jaw, willing him to look up so that he could decide if he could do it: If he could actually pick up a guy in a club, or even just talk to him.

The dark haired man took another sip and looked up towards the dance floor, not noticing Dean's heavy gaze. He couldn’t have been much older than Dean, but his permanent frown made it harder to judge.

 _Perhaps I could do something about that frown_ , Dean thought and almost mentally scolded himself.

Fuck. What was he doing here? He wasn’t gay. Maybe a bit bi. But not that bi. Not like fucking guys bi. _Right_?

Now he was being watched. The dark haired man had the most vivid blue eyes that seemed to catch the light of every mirror ball in the place. His gaze was wide and on Dean.

Dean felt his neck get hot. He was handsome, he admitted without thought, and rather than look away, Dean forced himself to maintain eye contact.

They stayed like that, just watching one other. Dean finished another shot, his gaze barely faltering and the stranger took another sip, his eyes not leaving Dean.

Panic seemed to spread through Dean and then he was moving. Without thought, or judgement except for that on the behalf of the alcohol, he approached the stranger.

He stayed seated at the bar, as he looked up at Dean, his bright eyes even wider and his lips, open just a fraction. Dean suddenly felt overwhelmed by how pink and plump they were, how good they might look wrapped around his-

‘Hello.’ The man finally said.

Dean sat next to him, finally breaking the eye contact, instead staring ahead at the rainbow of bottles behind the bar.

He didn’t order anything else. The man took another sip of his drink and Dean finally said, ‘Hey.’ His voice low, his hands fiddling with a cocktail stick in front of him.

‘You wanna get out of here?’ The tone was simple. It wasn’t sexy or sensual. It was as if he had asked Dean for the time.

Dean dropped the cocktail stick, almost snapping it in his surprise. He cleared his throat and tried to look relaxed.

He nodded. And from the corners of his eye he watched the stranger finish his drink and get up from the bar.

Dean followed, careful to keep a pace or two away, the man was almost as tall as him, his trench coat trailing behind him.

 _What was he doing?_ No name, no introduction and he was leaving. With a guy. _This is how I die_ , he thought. He should turn back. Was he ready for this? Sober Dean tried to rear its head, forcing him to think logically. But drunk Dean was howling in his own triumph. He was hot. He knew that. Women wanted him, men wanted him, this was easy.

Finally, outside in the cool air the stranger turned to him, his permanent frown on Dean. Just as he looked as though he might say something Dean cut in:

‘Wanna go to my car?’

‘You’re to the point.’

‘I won’t remember your name. Sorry.’ Dean shrugged, but it was true.

‘Car is fine.’

Dean was able to see his face better now, it was still dark out, but the lights were steadier here. Still handsome, almost cute, nice body type.

Dean nodded and led the way.

His impala was in a nearby parking lot and he dropped his keys as he struggled to put them in the lock. Nerves? Yes. But also alcohol, he reminded himself.

He laughed and the stranger knelt to pick them up.

‘Let me.’

Dean gave a weak half smile, and blue-eyes gently slid the key in the lock and turned until they could hear it click.

The stranger was standing very close to him now. Dean suddenly realised he had brought a guy to his car and now he was looking up at him expectantly. Their eyes met and his blue eyes flicked down at Dean's lips.

Dean went to speak but the stranger stepped forward again. Dean could smell the lemon and some kind of cologne. It was hot. He couldn’t deny it. Those large round eyes waited, he raised an eyebrow and then the corner of his mouth tugged up into the smallest of smiles.

‘ _Oh_.’ The stranger said and he took a step back. ‘You haven’t done this before.’ 

Dean’s face was suddenly flushed, heat from his neck to his ears. How had he known?

He turned slightly as if to walk away. Moving to hand the keys back to Dean.

‘Wait-’ was all Dean could say. His throat suddenly hoarse and letting in only trace amounts of air. _Fuck_. He had to act now.

The man paused.

Without hesitation Dean stepped forward, his face inches away from Mr Trench Coat, their eyes locked and he pressed a kiss down onto waiting lips.

Fire coursed its way through Dean's body, down through his throat, to his stomach then his crotch.

They kissed fast, the stranger dropping to his lips to place rough, fast kisses down Dean's neck, his hands coming up to find his waist.

Dean's mind seemed to shut down, all of his focus was on the hot wet lips that grazed his skin. He moaned involuntarily. His hand fumbled behind himself to find the door handle.

The stranger pulled away and Dean opened the door, gesturing for him to get in the back. He took off his trench coat before laying back on the seat, pulling Dean down with him.

Closing the door behind him as quickly as he could, Dean found himself alone, almost on top of a random man he’d accosted in a bar. Shit. He was actually doing this. 

But the alcohol was making everything easy and soft around the ages. They seemed to make out fast, Dean climbing to straddle the stranger as they moved quickly in the small car.

Breathless and so turned on they both reached down to the fabric between them, Dean tugging at the black belt holding up trousers and a pale pair of hands fumbled to unzip Dean's jeans.

They mostly pulled off their own pants, what with the car being small and romantically undressing their partner wasn’t what either man was going for. Dean pushed up his shirt and moved his lips down the man's stomach, relishing every moan as his tongue travelled down the skin.

Dean found his lips at the edge of the man's underwear. He could see the outline of his dick, grown and ready. He looked up at his face, it was expressionless and waiting.

This was it. He was here and he wanted it. He couldn’t question his thoughts now they were actions. _Admit it_ a small voice hissed. _You want to fuck this guy_.

Shit. He was so turned on.

Was this right?

Yes.

Finally Dean pulled down the waistband. Both men moaned and Dean took the hard cock in his hand, gently stroking, while moving back to press his lips firmly into the strangers neck.

He let the hands at his hip wonder, groping his underwear and pulling it down so Dean’s throbbing erection hit the cool air.

Dean moaned into his neck. He didn’t want to. Didn’t want to show he was enjoying this way more than he should be. But now there was a hand on his dick. A stranger's hand. What the fuck was he doing? Again he paused. His brain and body caught in some kind of overload.

The man beneath him stopped too.

Dean pulled away, looking down into the strangers eyes. Yes, he was attractive, objectively speaking. But he was also beautiful too. No. _Fuck._ Not beautiful. Ugh. Whatever. His eyes and lips and cheeks were just... Shit. Dean sighed.

‘Do you want to stop?’ He asked, sensing Dean's confusion, their eyes meeting again like they had at the bar.

It was just one time. Dean wasn’t hurting anyone. And what was his business was his business. A part of him so badly wanted to say _yes_. To go home and call Lisa or Jo but he didn’t.

Something about the way the light fell through the window from the nearby street lamp, casting them in yellow tones and black shadow felt so right.

‘No.’ Dean breathed, barely audible and he moved to find the lube in the glove compartment.

#### \---

‘Professor?’

A voice found Castiel’s ears, and he was pulled out of his memory, back into his office.

He looked up to find one of his students, Sam Winchester, hovering in the doorway.

‘Sam.’ Castiel gave a small smile. ‘How are you?’

‘Good. Thank you.’

Sam was tall and somewhat awkward as he thumbed at the bag hanging from his shoulder.

‘I was hoping I could take you up on that offer. To borrow the Jonathan Butler book?’ Sam looked down at his shoes.

‘Of course.’ Cas nodded, standing to find the book on his bookshelf. There were many textbooks recommended for the course that Castiel taught and not all of them had copies in the University library. The few Castiel had, he always offered out to students who couldn’t get hold of a copy. Castiel knew that Sam Winchester was on a full scholarship and books like these started at $50, even used. He pulled the book down and handed it to Sam who took it with a thankful smile.

‘Let me know if you need anything else.’ Cas said, and quickly Sam said his goodbyes and was rushing off, probably to his next class.

Cas sat back down at his desk. The papers in front of him seemed meaningless, the markings presented themselves as random symbols instead of words.

He knew he should just forget about what had happened the night before, but that didn’t stop the thought of those green eyes clouding his mind.

He sighed. It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. How had it happened? Castiel wasn’t ashamed of his random sexual encounters with strangers he might never see again, but somehow the same men always seemed to find him.

Afraid, closeted men, unsure of their sexuality, trying to figure it out with Cas. He shook his head. He should have walked away. He shouldn’t waste his time with men that would suck his dick in secret but blank him when he would see them out locally on dates with women. Granted this hadn’t happened with the guy from last night, he didn’t even know his name. Maybe he was gay, maybe he’d just never picked up a stranger before. Castiel just assumed as such because it was almost always the case. But in reality, he knew he was just bitter because he had been so hot and it had been so fleeting.

If not for his army training, Castiel would have been more cautious. You never knew these days who you might be going home with. But he knew he could defend himself, he almost wanted a basher to try him, he would soon leave them regretting their choice.

He let himself remember the soft moans on his neck, the rough stubble kisses that traced his hips.

There was a sweetness about the guy, or at least Castiel wanted to see it. A youth in the way he hesitated, unsure if he should give in to the desires that had pushed him to step away from the bar and toward Castiel.

But he had done it. Reached out to find the lube he kept in his car and coated both their hands with it.

He leaned forward to press a harsh kiss onto Castiel’s lips as they stoked each other. Their knuckles brushing, over and over.

The closer they got the more his face seemed pained, almost as if he was angry at his own body. But he had come. Castiel had coaxed it out of him, their foreheads pressed together, his eyes opened to see Castiel. Staring so intently as his body shuddered and finished over their hands and Castiel’s stomach.

That green, those lashes, his teeth biting down hard on his bottom lip and Cas was gone too. His hand still tugging until Castiel’s back arched up from the seat and he moaned into a kiss, their lips pressing together fast.

Breathless and still a bit dizzy from alcohol they steadied themselves upright.

‘Fuck.’ Was all he had said as they redressed themselves.

The guy wouldn’t look at Castiel again, at least not in the eye. They sat in silence and the fair haired guy had given him some tissues to wipe his hands with.

Still somewhat sticky, he waited in silence, but the tall stranger said nothing. Just closed his eyes and rested his head back against the seat as if to sleep.

Picking up his coat from where he’d thrown it over the back seat, Castiel got out of the car, hailed the first cab he saw and went home.

He collected the papers together on his desk. He would carry on marking them when he was less distracted. Right now he would pack up and head home. Perhaps a new recipe and a full stomach would take his mind off the memory of thick muscles under his hands and fingers lost in his hair.

As he made his way out of the law building, he passed Sam Winchester again.

‘Bye!’ Sam called politely, as he opened the door for Castiel, also making his way out of the building with another student from their class.

#### \---

Sam was late. Granted it was 10 minutes but Dean had places he wanted to be. Finally he saw him, in rapt conversation with a blonde girl, a huge grin plastered to his face. Dean laughed.

He could let Sam off for that.

But who was that? A professor? Sam gave a small wave to the guy that exited with him, along with the girl as he noticed Dean's car and came walking over.

But there was something familiar. Dean watched the dark haired stranger, the frown even as he smiled a nod at Sam, the trench coat.

Fuck. _The trench coat_.

Dean's smile dropped.

‘Hey.’ Sam bundled into the car. His long legs finding space to stretch. ‘Thanks for the ride.’

Dean mumbled a response before asking ‘Who’s that?’ His eyes still on the stranger in the trench coat, walking to his car.

‘Who? Professor Novak?’

‘You know him?’ Dean nodded his head toward the stranger who was now getting into his car and moving out of the parking lot.

‘Yeah, he’s one of my professors.’ Sam laughed. ‘Why? _Do you?_ ’

Dean immediately shook his head and Sam gave him that confused look before laughing it off.

‘He teaches some of my law modules.’ said Sam.

‘How is school?’ Dean asked, immediately changing the subject.

But it was _him_. It had been the stranger from the night before. On impulse Dean flexed his fingers as if he could still feel hot skin beneath them.

He thought he would never see him again. But no. Fuck. He was one of Sam's teachers.

‘Yeah it’s fine. Trying not to fall behind.’ Sam gave a nervous laugh.

‘You kidding? You must be the smartest guy in there?’

‘I’m high-school-smart Dean, there's a difference.’

‘Smart is smart.’ Dean tapped the wheel with his thumbs.

‘Well I’ll be able to catch up now. Some of my professors are lending me their books that I can’t get from the library.’

Dean sighed. ‘If you need money-’

‘I don’t.’

‘It’s not a problem Sammy-’

‘Dean, I'm fine.’

They both looked out at the road and away from one another as Dean pulled out of the campus.


	2. 2

Dean couldn’t concentrate in the meeting. 

It was with Bobby and Ellen and a few other members of their team. John as always was absent.

When Dean's mother Mary died, their father took it hard. He stopped going to work, stopped talking, stopped being a father in almost all respects. He drank, more and more, until Bobby took over his garage completely and Dean handled the family business as soon as he was old enough. Sam, as if in protest, had no interest in becoming a mechanic and moved out as soon as he received his scholarship to study Pre-Law at Kansas State.

Dean stayed. Even at twenty-five he still lived with his dad. He told himself that all the money he saved he could put into his racing. But in reality, he knew that if he didn’t feed John he wouldn’t eat, and if he didn’t check on him everyday, one day he might not wake up.

Dean knew he needed to focus. Knew he had a big race coming up and his mind needed to take in the stats and strategies Bobby was discussing.

On a better day, after Mary’s death, John took Sam and Dean to their first motorsport event. NASCAR and kart racing was one of the only things that seemed to pull John out of a slump. And if Dean could just qualify, if their team could make it to the big leagues, maybe John would finally realise there was life to be lived again.

But Dean's thoughts were clouded by something else: heavy breathing, bright blue eyes, the smell of gin and lemon.

He had convinced himself it was a drunk mistake that wouldn’t happen again. Everyone has fantasies but sleeping with guys wasn’t exactly on the list of things that would put Dean in John's good books.

He knew no one else would care, least of all Sammy. But he was a driver too. He spent most of his time working on cars with red necks and other racers who lived and breathed motorsport, beer and women.

‘Dean?’ Ellen said, pulling him back to the room.

‘Sounds great.’ Dean said, with no idea what he was agreeing to.

He took another shift at the shop, he needed to busy his hands. Tweaking cars, fixing engines, that always soothed him. He made a note to find Bobby later and remind himself of the practice sessions and rallies they had discussed. Races that Dean could get good laps in and an easy win to ease himself back into the season.

They had tried to qualify for NASCAR last year, but Dean just wasn’t fast enough. But this year would be different, he ran his hands over Bobby’s hard work, the car they would be entering.

Dean tried to focus on that. The speed. His gloves tight on the wheel. His vision narrowed down to that final end point, crossing the line before anyone else.

####  \---

The next day Dean tried to work again.

He had been restless all night. His dreams of qualifying on pole were peppered with glimpses of skin and the feel of fingers on his hips in the back seat of his Impala.

He washed his hands, changed his shirt and got in his car.

Driving usually soothed him but this time he was restless and his palms were moist.

Before he knew it he was pulling into the campus of Sam’s university. He didn’t have a class today, not that Dean knew of, but he was parking up and walking into the building.

He shoved his hands deep into his thick leather jacket. His head bowed slightly as if to hide his face from onlookers, but he knew no one here would recognise him. And on the off chance Sam was here, he could say he was just curious, came to see what the whole college thing was about and maybe if he ran into a few college girls on the way, all the better.

His breathing was heavy. It was as if his body had made the decision for him.

If the stranger had just stayed a stranger, Dean could have forgotten about it. Accepted the fleetingness of it and got on with his life.

But he  _ had  _ to pick up Sam from his lecture. He had to see him again. And now he knew his name. Where he worked. As if it was some kind of sign.

_ Fuck _ .

He was doing this. He was actually pacing down a corridor of offices scanning each of them until he saw it. The little plastic plaque that read:  **Dr Castiel Novak PhD** .

He took a step back. The door was closed. He probably wasn’t even in there. Dean was being crazy.

He could just turn around now, and walk away. Castiel didn’t know who he was. Castiel didn’t know what he did and hadn’t come looking for him. If Dean didn’t want this, _why was he here?_

Something flickered in his stomach, moving down into his underwear. He sighed. Remembering the encounter. How good it felt, how hot it was. How every moan had him weaker than any other random sex he’d ever had.

His hand was raising itself and knocking on the door.

‘Come in.’ A muffled voice called.

_ Damn it _ . His hand lingered on the handle until he finally opened the door and stepped forward.

Castiel was facing away from him, typing something at his computer and as Dean slowly closed the door behind him, Castiel turned. He went to speak, then paused. Frozen.

Dean was frozen too. He had thought about showing up here, finding Castiel, touching him again. But he hadn’t thought about the in between. The awkward explanation he would have to make as to how he was now stood in his office when they had exchanged nothing more than bodily fluids.

For a moment Dean wondered if Castiel didn’t remember him. His silence suggested that maybe he had been too drunk and didn’t even recognise him. Why did that make Dean feel a little bit shit?

Dean cleared his throat and Castiel stood from his chair, as if by reflex.

‘Hello.’ He said, exactly the way he had when they met.

Dean took in his shirt, clean and ironed. How the blue of his tie brought out his eyes and they somehow seemed brighter in the daylight. His frown was softer but still there, his heavy brows questioning Dean's appearance.

‘Hey.’ Dean said. ‘I don’t know if you remember me.’ He looked down at his boots, his hands shoved deeper into his pockets.

‘I do.’ Castiel said.

He did. Dean nodded. Why did that give him some kind of satisfaction? He looked around the office, at the work on the desk, the shelves of books, the trench coat hung up on a hook by the door.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck with a hand.

‘How are you here?’ Castiel’s voice was steady, and Dean searched it for a tone.  _ Was he angry _ ? He couldn’t tell.

‘I -’ Dean started but stopped.

‘How did you...?’

Dean sighed.

‘Not happy to see me?’ Dean smirked, trying to lighten the mood.

‘I don’t even know you.’

‘I think we got to know each other pretty well in the back of my car.’ Dean looked up to meet Castiel’s eyes, they were wide and a blush spread up over his cheeks.

‘Are you stalking me?’ He asked.

‘What? No!’ Dean shook his head. ‘Shit.’ He moved more into the office but still kept Castiel’s desk between them.

‘My brother is one of your students.’

‘Oh.’

‘I gave him a ride yesterday. Saw you here. Small world.’ Dean looked away again.

‘What can I do for you?’ Castiel asked. 

The air seemed to catch in Dean's throat at this.  _ He could do lots of things for me _ , his mind whispered. Wet, hot things.

‘Who is your brother?’

‘Sam, Samuel Winchester.’

Castiel nodded. ‘I know him. Is he ok? Are you here on his behalf?’

‘He’s fine.’ Dean finally looked back at Castiel. ‘I’m here about me.’

‘Oh.’ Castiel repeated, sitting back down in his chair and gesturing to offer Dean the seat in front of his desk.

Dean shook his head.

‘I shouldn’t have come here.’

Castiel sighed. 

Dean looked like he wanted to leave but something seemed to stop him.  He took a deep breath and Cas asked ‘Are you a Winchester too?’

‘Yes’ Dean nodded and Castiel raised his eyebrows as a hint he should continue.

‘Dean. I’m Dean.’ He finally said.

‘Hello, Dean,’ He said. ‘I’m Castiel.’


	3. 3

What was it about this guy? 

Yes, he was gorgeous. Castiel would admit that. But he was hardly the conversationalist, his confidence wasn’t exactly that high and yet he was here. He had come to find Castiel even after they had parted ways, clearly with no intention of seeing each other again.

Something caught in his chest. He was being pursued by this confused, beautiful man and yet that heat down in his stomach seemed to build.

Just thinking about their short time together made him sweat, his whole body seemed to flush at the thought of it. Of doing it again.

Castiel stood up and came around the desk to face Dean, leaving a good foot between them.

‘It was sweet of you to seek me out, Dean.’ He said, letting the smallest smile show.

Dean shook his head and looked away, laughing.

‘I don’t do sweet.’ He said, looking down at the space between them.

‘What do you do?’ Castiel asked.

Dean's head flicked up, their eyes connecting. It was as if with his question he had changed something. The match was struck and Dean stepped forward, bringing a hand up to the back of Castiel's neck and kissed him hard.

Their lips crashed together just for a moment before Dean moved to his jaw, his neck, his hands reaching up to pull at Castiel’s tie, to tug it off.

Castiel moaned, his hands reaching out to pull at Dean's hips, bringing them closer to his. Dean's lips found their way to Cas’s throat, and he viciously pulled at the buttons there, exposing the collarbone to more of Dean's harsh kisses.

Cas couldn’t think. It was all moving too fast and he just stood there, leaning half against his desk for support. His thoughts only focused on Dean's lips, his tongue, his teeth.

Cas palmed at Dean's erection.  _ Fuck _ . They were in his office and with a swift movement Cas pulled away to lock the door.

Dean was confused, his hands left to grope the air, then with the click of the lock, he smirked at Castiel.

The expression made Castiel weak. The hunger in Dean's eyes. It was so much hotter than the confused, pained expression he'd had until they kissed. Dean was back on Cas now. Kissing his neck and shoulders and tugging as his belt, then he was down on his knees, releasing Cas’s erection into his hand. Cas moaned again, his head rolling back to hit the wall. He tried to stifle it, biting down on his lips. But Dean took him in his mouth and was sucking, hard. Cas moved his hands to rake through Dean's hair.

_ This stranger _ , he thought.  _ Who the fuck was he, and how did he turn Cas on so much? _

Dean's mouth was so hot and wet and his lips moved gently from tip to base. Maybe Cas was wrong. Maybe Dean had done this before. Either way it was hard to think about anything else besides the way Dean's thumb pressed it to his hip, his free hand against Cas’s dick, holding it forward.

Over and over Cas stifled his moans. Dean's tongue caressed his head that was rock hard and bright red against his lips. His eyes looked up to watch Cas. To see him shudder and every movement seemed to spur Dean on further, his mouth pumping faster and faster until Castiel’s body tensed with the overwhelming pleasure and he held Dean's head close as he came hard into his mouth.

Dean's eyes widened, he struggled to swallow but finally cleared his throat and stood up.

Cas reached down to pull up his pants and offered Dean the water on his desk.

Dean took a small sip, his fingers wiping at the corners of his smile.

‘That was...’ Castiel breathed. ‘Good’

Dean laughed. 

A little less lucid and still so turned on, Cas stepped towards Dean, reaching down to unbutton his jeans.

Dean moved his hands to stop him.

‘It’s ok.’

‘Let me,’ Castiel whispered.

‘I’m ok.’ Dean shook his head and Cas leaned in to change his mind.

But before Cas could kiss him, Dean turned his face away.

‘I’m good.’

‘Dean, let me reciprocate-’ Cas urged, moving his lips to Dean's neck but Dean shook him off.

‘I said I’m fine.’ His voice was more stern now. Cas took a step back, holding his hands up.

‘Sorry.’

‘It’s ok. I should go.’

‘Dean.’

Dean couldn’t look at Castiel. His boner pressed hard and painful in his jeans. But Cas could see a shame come over him, the way his face changed from excited arousal to confused anger, just like before.

He unlocked the door and stepped through it.

‘Dean!’ Was all Cas could say, trying not to raise his voice too loudly, but Dean was speeding away, down the corridor and he was gone.

Castiel did up his shirt buttons, readjusted his tie and sat back at his desk.

####  \---

As soon as Dean was in the car he was racing. His foot pressed the gas a little too hard, and the speedometer ticked just over the speed limit. But he didn’t want to stop, weaving in and out of cars to get to his street.

He moved straight through the front door, not checking to see if his dad was up and quickly locked himself away in his room.

He breathed deeply, sitting down on his bed and putting his head in his hands.

He could still taste Castiel in his mouth. He pulled off his boots and threw them at the wall.

Laying back he undid his jeans. He could do this. Just relax. He eased his throbbing erection properly. He tried to picture breasts, round and slick but every womanly sigh was punctuated by the deep moan of Cas’s throat. Dean's lips itched for the stubble. _No_ , for perfume, he corrected.

But it was too late. His orgasm came swiftly and with it, Castiel’s eyes bright and blue, gazing down at him, fixated.

When Dean came he couldn’t bring himself to move. Instead he let the tight nerves that had formed in his muscles since he saw Castiel yesterday, dissipate until he fell asleep.

####  \---

Days passed and Castiel was certain he’d seen the last of Dean Winchester. He tried not to blush hard at the thought when Sam stopped him on his way out of a lecture to return the book.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to hold onto it for longer?’

‘I think I have everything.’ Sam smiled and Cas looked away. The kindness so familiar in both brother’s eyes.

‘Just let me know if you need anything else.’

Sam gave another appreciative smile and thanked Castiel before moving out of the lecture hall to join a group of his friends.

Back in his office Castiel was resolved to forget Dean. It didn’t help that every time he looked up he was faced with the wall he had arched his back against as Dean gave him the best blowjob he’d had in months. Years even.

He had spent the weekend hopelessly trying to gather sources for a paper he was writing and finally by Sunday evening he was making progress. This week he would finally clear his head, maybe get some of his energy out at the gym and get some good work done.

Deep into quoting another academic on contract law, his phone rang.

His office phone never rang. All of his colleagues were friendly, often coming by his office to discuss schedules, students and their subject. The phone had only rang once before when a guest speaker he was meeting called him on it to cancel, everyone else who might want to speak to him had his cell.

His hand hovered by the large grey brick of a phone. Then it stopped. Wrong number, he thought.

But a few minutes later, it rang again.

This time Castiel didn’t hesitate. He picked it up and held it to his ear.

‘Hello?’ He asked into the silence and there was a pause before a soft, deep voice said, ‘Castiel?’

He sighed.

‘Dean?’

‘Hey.’

‘Hello Dean.’

Castiel waited. He should put the phone down. He shook his head. He was letting some random guy squat rent free in his mind. Some random hot guy.  _ Ugh _ .

‘How did you get this number?’ He sighed.

‘It’s on the university website. Under the faculty. There’s a cute picture of you too.’

Castiel blushed, he remembered the awkward photo. But if Dean didn’t do sweet, why had he called him cute?

The hot and cold was suddenly jarring.

‘Can I help you Dean?’

Dean sighed at the other end of the line. He cleared his throat.

‘Can I...’ he paused. His voice quiet, ‘can I have your number?’

‘We’re on the phone, Dean.’

‘Yeah can I just-’ Dean let out an exasperated breath. ‘A personal number. Like to text.’

‘Text about what?’

‘Forget it.’ Dean said and the phone cut off.

Castiel put the phone back in the cradle. He waited five minutes. Then ten. But Dean didn’t call back. After fifteen minutes he pressed the history button to find the number Dean had called on. He pulled out his own cell phone, shaking his head the entire time he composed a message.

**_CASTIEL: Hello Dean. CN_ **

He typed and sent it to what he assumed was Dean's number. He hoped Dean would understand it was from him, he was awful at the whole texting thing. He usually just emailed or called old friends and colleagues.

He put the phone face down on the desk and put his face in his hands.

_ Was he making the right choice? _

Castiel had long admitted to himself that he was lonely. He wasn’t ashamed of it. He enjoyed solitude. But occasionally he craved the intimacy of another. The ability to share parts of his life with someone special.

It was clear Dean had some issues. Issues that weren’t Cas’s responsibility to help him work through. But of course, Cas realised then what had drawn him to Dean. To let Dean touch him and have him, beyond this physical pleasure they both gained from it: Dean was lost. 

And if he was turning to a stranger, he was probably alone too.

Castiel knew this probably wasn't true. Dean probably had friends and family that loved him, but sometimes people don’t realise that. They don’t feel they can be totally themselves with their loved ones. And they truly feel alienated. Castiel knew what that was like.

\---

Castiel didn’t get a response to his message until later that evening. It was after nine pm and he was clearing up the kitchen from dinner, packing up his leftovers in to the fridge and his phone vibrated in his pocket.

**_NO CALLER ID: Where are you? D_ **

Blunt and short. Must be Dean.

**_CASTIEL: At home. Why?_ **

**_DEAN: Not at Dorothy’s tonight?_ **

Dorothy’s was the club they had met at last week. Castiel had only gone in for a drink or two. Just to take the edge off some mail he had received. He wasn’t sure why it made him so anxious. Perhaps that was the reason he had not felt himself, why he had let a stranger take him back to their car and make it all feel better. Even if just for a little while.

**_CASTIEL: No_ **

Was all Castiel wrote back.

**_DEAN: So where is home?_ **

Castiel paused, his arm resting on the surface he was wiping down as he saw the message come through

Did Dean want an address?  _ Did he want to come over? _

Castiel had planned a quiet evening of more reading and a relaxing shower before bed. He wasn’t expecting guests. He quickly finished tidying the kitchen and flipped up his phone again.

**_CASTIEL: Why?_ **

He asked. Granted having sex here was safer than in a car park or his office. He knew he could handle Dean, even if he was slightly bigger than him, his muscles firm and-  _ No _ . He stopped himself. Maybe he just wanted to get to know Cas. But Dean's message came almost instantly, proving this idea wrong.

**_DEAN: You know why_ ** .

And Castiel  _ did  _ know. He was certain he wanted what Dean was suggesting. But who knew what Dean actually wanted. Just sex, Cas concluded.

Cas had always played it safe in relationships. War zones and danger had been a huge component to his life before he entered academia, but he always played his relationships safe. He’d had one night stands of course, but they were just that. One night. The person didn’t linger, or call or turn up at his place of work. They were forgotten, easily.

But Castiel didn’t want to forget Dean. Yes, his conflicting messages seemed confusing, he wanted to touch Cas and for Cas to touch him but only on his terms. Cas knew he shouldn’t waste his time. He was thirty-five-years-old for Christ’s sake. Dean was not the guy who would want to be with an almost forty-year-old, let alone be with anyone at all.

But he let his body make the choice, the throbbing that nestled itself down between his legs when he thought about Dean's eyes looking up at him, dick deep in his throat-

_ Fuck _ .

He sent the address and nothing more.


	4. 4

Dean was already in the car when he got the message. He had been out driving, trying to take his mind off Castiel, but he’d given in and text him anyway.

He thought that if he just had an experience. One experience with one man, he could put all the wanting to bed. He could close the lid, tick the box that was homosexual activity and say he had been there, done it, and moved on.

Yet every time he saw Cas or thought of Cas it was as if the want burned hotter. The yearning became stronger. He should have known that in reality, once you’ve had a taste of the frosting, it’s impossible to refuse the entire cake.

He knew the area and slowly followed the roads around to pull up by Cas’s place. Out of some strange fear he pulled away and parked two streets away, shrugging on his jacket and walking up to the door. He knocked lightly, his head bowed but it was already dark out and the street was all but deserted by pedestrians.

‘Hey,’ he said quietly, when Cas opened the door and he slipped inside.

Castiel’s place was dimly lit, expensive looking lamps dotted the living area. His open kitchen dining room was all dark woods and marble tops. It was immaculate.

In honesty, Dean, had no clue what Castiel’s home would be like. He didn’t know Castiel, just that he was nice to look at and he let Dean touch him. Dean felt an almost warm feeling toward him then, not arousal, but emotional. The way he would reach out for Castiel and Castiel would be down, no questions asked.

Dean stood awkwardly in the entryway, unsure whether to follow Cas to the kitchen.

‘Do you want a drink? A beer?’

‘Anything stronger?’ Dean laughed, trying to break the awkward tension he felt.

_ Why was he suddenly so nervous again? _

Castiel wasn’t a big drinker, but he opened the whiskey he kept in the house in case people came over and poured Dean a glass.

When Dean shot it back, Cas poured him another and asked, ‘Have you done this before, Dean?’

Cas didn’t know why he had to know. He just did.

‘I’m not a virgin,’ Dean smirked, ‘If that’s what you mean.’

‘Have you been with other men?’ Cas asked.

Dean looked away and played with the glass in his hand.

‘Jealous already, Castiel?’ He gave another half smile and put the glass down on the counter.

Castiel said nothing, just offered the scotch and when Dean shook his head he put it away. While he was facing the cupboard he said quietly, ‘That’s not an answer.’

Dean sighed and his smile slipped. He shrugged. Put his arm up to his neck, did every anxious body language move possible and finally mumbled, ‘No. You are the first.’

‘The first man you have ever been with sexually?’ Cas confirmed.

‘Yes!’ Dean almost yelled. ‘Does it matter?’

‘No.’ Cas responded in his usual deadpan tone, and Dean looked away again.

‘I’m just trying to ascertain-’ Castiel began but he was swiftly cut off.

‘Ok, I think we’ve talked enough.’ Dean declared, and he pushed his lips down to Castiel’s open mouth, his words lost in a stifled moan.

Dean brought his hands up to Castiel’s face, holding it up for him to take harsh, rushed kisses that left Cas a moment behind each time.

Then Dean stepped back, letting go.

‘Upstairs?’ He asked and gestured that Castiel should lead the way.

Cas was a step ahead now, leading Dean up the staircase and into his room. Closing the door on them again, Castiel turned to find Dean behind him, waiting again to pull him into another deep long kiss. Then his hands were everywhere.

Castiel let Dean lead. It was very clear that Dean knew what he wanted and Castiel just wanted to be wanted. He let Dean pull him toward the bed, before he turned and pushed him down onto it.

Breathless Dean shook off his jacket and plaid shirt beneath so his chest was just in a T-shirt that fit his torso well, hugging at the curve of his muscles.

Castiel looked up at him while he too undid his shirt and pulled it over his head when most of the buttons were undone.

Then Castiel groped at Dean's jeans, hoping he would let Castiel finish what they had started the last time they were together.

Cas was fast and had his hands on Dean's underwear, tugging it down before Dean could really take in what was happening.

Cas did nothing, just looked at Dean's hard erection against his stomach and then turned his gaze to meet Dean’s eyes.

Dean looked down at him, their eyes searching one another’s.

‘Do you want this Dean?’ Castiel asked.

Dean didn’t speak, just sighed and ran his hands through his hair. Cas waited.

_ Fuck _ . He was here, in Castiel’s bedroom, his dick out and so fucking hard. Now wasn’t really the time to make a choice. He’d made the choice when he’s driven to Castiel’s place and knocked on the door. But Castiel was giving him the choice again, now.

He could zip up his jeans, get his things and go. But he knew it would be pointless. He knew that as much as he didn’t want to admit it, this was the road he wanted to take. He was on the gas now. There was no stopping or denying it.

Dean reached out to take Cas’s chin in his hands, and guided him forward to his cock.

At Dean's signal Cas moved again. He kissed Dean's dick gently before opening his mouth and taking it in.

Dean gasped almost immediately. The feel of Cas’s lips on his skin, his hot tongue, the way he dragged the tip all the way to the back of his throat over and over had Dean gone.

His body seemed to float, and every sensation focused itself on the pleasure Cas was giving him. Cas pulled back, wet spit dripping from his mouth.

‘This ok?’ He asked, and Dean nodded. He raked his fingers through Castiel’s hair and firmly guided his head back down onto his dick. Cas moaned into Dean and Dean pushed harder, thrusting his hips and fucking Castiel’s mouth. Castiel’s hands gripped Dean's thighs and as much as he wanted it to last, he orgasmed hard. It pulsed through his body down to his dick and Castiel swallowed quickly, still gently moving Dean's dick back and forth in his mouth.

Dean finally stepped back. His clothes were still around his ankles and he pulled off his boots and stepped out of them.

Overcome with Castiel’s devotion to his dick he leaned down to push him back against the mattress, Castiel sat up on his elbows, both men giving the other a smug smile before Dean unbuttoned Castiel’s pants, pulled them down and climbed on top of him.

With every kiss Dean placed on Castiel’s body, he let out a little moan. Dean kissed his neck, his collarbone, even letting his tongue flick against Cas’s nipples. Each time Cas let out a little whimper, Dean's dick grew again and he thrusted against Castiel, still in his underwear and aching to have Dean on him, inside him, whatever he wanted.

Dean finally took Castiel’s throbbing erection in his hand and tossed it slowly.

‘Dean-’ Cas breathed but Dean shushed him. Cas shook his head and lifted an arm to point at the drawer beside the bed.

Dean paused, leaned back and opened the drawer. 

There was a book and some glasses. A few pens and random change. But there was also an array of sex toys.

‘So kinky, Cas.’ Dean cooed as he pulled out an odd shaped dildo.

Cas shook his head. ‘The lube, Dean.’

‘What was that?’ Dean asked, continuing to massage the head of Cas’s dick under his thumb.

_ ‘Dean-’  _ Cas’s head rolled back onto the bed as he let the pleasure sweep over him.

Dean reached for the lube, squirted a generous amount onto his hand and continued massaging Castiel’s length. He moved slower than they had in the car, realising he could take his time and listen to the breath ragged in Cas’s throat. Every now and then slowing down and then he would speed up, working his hand in a different motion and Cas would moan again, his eyes shut, his arms out against the bed, hands gripping the sheets.

Finally Dean kept up the speed. It was so hot, the way Cas’s brows furrowed, and his hands reached to squeeze Dean's thighs.

‘Dean,’ Cas breathed, ‘I’m-’ but the words were lost as Cas came fast, his dick twitching in Dean's grip and white come leaked out over Dean's fingers.

After a few moments Dean reached for the tissues that were also in the draw beside the bed, wiped his hands and began pulling on his clothes.

‘Are you leaving?’ Cas asked, still a little breathless.

Dean didn’t respond, just put everything back on and pulled on his boots.

‘You don’t have to.’ Cas said, sitting up to find his underwear.

He sat naked on the bed as Dean, fully clothed, leaned down to put a hand on his shoulder.

‘I’ll text you.’ He said, his eyes struggling to meet Castiel’s and he left the room, his footsteps on the stairs and Cas heard the front door open and close.

####  \---

This was the pattern Dean and Castiel fell into. Every few nights Cas would get a text asking if he was busy, and when he always responded no, Dean would reply with  **_OMW_ ** .

There was little by way of talking, and it was always late so Dean used the backdoor, finding the spare key that Cas kept hidden for him. He would sneak into the kitchen, find the glass of whiskey that Cas would occasionally leave out for him and make his way upstairs to where Cas was often already in bed.

Dean would move fast, the whiskey hitting his throat and he would pull off his jacket as soon as Cas was in sight.

Sometimes he came drunk, other times sober. Dean only kissed Castiel when he was drunk, something Cas had noticed after a few weeks. He would kiss Cas’s neck, his body, his dick, but not his lips. But when he’d had a drink he would forget. He’d take Castiel’s face in his hands and drag long, hot kisses out of him, his tongue finding its way over Cas’s.

Castiel didn’t know why this was. Dean was always more reserved when he was sober and sometimes Dean would bring him to orgasm and leave before Cas could return the favour.

It was as if he was punishing himself for what he was doing. The shame seemed to drip off him sometimes and Cas almost wanted to say no. To bolt the backdoor and not reply to the texts. But he always did, because those moments together, short and sweet were also so  _ good _ .

Dean moved like he was on fire. Like everything else was too slow and he had to have Cas, have him moaning and writhing in his hands as fast as he could, like Cas might slip away and he would be left with nothing but empty sheets.

Cas didn’t care about the pace. Maybe he would have liked it slow sometimes but he liked the way Dean pushed him down on the bed, or against the wall. He liked being told to be quiet, to get on his knees, to swallow Dean's cock. It left him weak and somehow full, letting Dean decide how he would come and when.

It was always hand jobs and blow jobs. Sometimes Cas would moan to be fucked, his mouth saying the words without thought, but Dean would just take him deeper into his throat and leave again when they were both finished.

Cas never asked Dean to stay again, the way he never asked to decide how they spent their time together. He knew it was pathetic, but he didn’t want to push Dean.

It was still exciting, the way Dean would show up in a flash, and have Cas hard and moaning in seconds, moving like the world was going to end. It was still so fucking fun and hot and Castiel could keep it up for a while.  _ Why not? _

Once Dean came over when Cas was already asleep, without warning.

‘ _ Fuck, Dean _ !’ He said, half awake. ‘I thought it was a home invasion.’

Dean laughed then. A full on, belly to throat laugh. It was the most Castiel had ever seen him laugh and his body shook as he pulled off his jeans.

Cas turned on a lamp and watched him, the huge grin lit up his face. Dean didn’t smile enough around Cas. Castiel knew he was always having a good time but he hardly smiled, hardly laughed.

But Dean was swaying, clearly more drunk than usual and Castiel could even smell the beer and sweat.

He checked the time. One am.

‘Sorry.’ Dean giggled. ‘Come here.’

Cas pulled himself up and shuffled over to the edge of the bed where he watched Dean continue to undress. When he was naked, he came toward Cas, cupped his face and kissed him hard.

‘You taste like beer, Dean’ Cas said.

‘You taste like toothpaste,’ Dean replied and Cas couldn’t help but smile a little as Dean pushed him down onto the mattress. Dean straddled him and began running his lips over Cas’s chest, one hand steadying himself, the other cupping Cas’s growing erection through his underwear.

‘We fucking did it, Cas.’ He breathed into Castiel’s skin, moving to line his shoulder with more kisses.

‘Did what?’ Cas asked.

Dean sat up slightly so they were face to face, Dean still sporting that helpless smile.

‘We qualified. I’m in the cup. I’m awesome!’

‘The cup?’

‘NASCAR baby.’ Dean grinned, kissing Cas on the lips again.

‘Is that  _ good _ ?’

Dean laughed, kissing Cas’s check and thrusting himself against his hip.

‘It’s the best. Well... yeah... the best!’ Dean nodded, bringing his forehead down to touch Castiel’s.

‘Well done, Dean.’ Cas smiled. 

Castiel didn’t follow motorsport. Occasionally, in passing, Dean would mention needing to be up early for a practice session or a race the following morning as he would leave Castiel’s. But even if Cas wanted to ask there was never the chance. Dean had made it clear he wanted to fuck first, talk never. And Castiel, as with everything else hadn’t pushed him.

Dean was groaning now, his dick hardening against Cas, but less than usual. Cas wondered how much Dean had drunk. His kisses seemed more heavy and sloppy.

Quickly, Dean got up and pulled down Castiel’s underwear.

_ ‘Fuck _ -’ He breathed involuntarily and Castiel laughed.

Dean then began pulling at Castiel’s hips, Castiel sat up, raising a brow.

‘Roll over.’ Dean said.

‘What?’ Castiel laughed as Dean’s strong fingers gripped his thighs.

‘I wanna fuck you,’ Dean breathed, and with all his drunk strength, he rolled Cas over onto his front.

Cas laughed. ‘You’re too drunk Dean.’

‘I’m not!’ He spanked Cas on the ass and leaned down, leaving wet kisses down Castiel’s back, before hooking his hands up around Castiel’s hips, and hoisting him up onto his knees.

‘Dean.’ Cas said playfully, knowing there was no way Dean could pull this off, definitely not this spontaneously and definitely not while this drunk.

Dean rubbed his cock against Castiel’s bare ass, it  _ was  _ hardening, but Dean swayed and steadied himself by gripping Castiel’s hips harder.

Cas tried to turn but Dean pushed him back in place. It wasn't aggressive, more like they were wrestling.

_ ‘Dean _ !’ Cas laughed again.

‘I’m going to fuck you if you keep saying my name like that.’ Dean warned.

For a moment Cas thought he was actually going to do it. Cas tried to move again and Dean leaned forward, pushing his shoulders down. Then Dean had a condom in his mouth that Cas hadn’t noticed and he was tearing off the wrapper with his teeth.

Cas moved forward, and rolled over before Dean could blink.

‘What are you doing?’ He said, his smile fading.

‘Dean you’re too drunk. Just stop.’

‘I want to fuck you.’ He breathed, reaching out for Cas’s hands and Cas smiled.

‘I know. We can do that. Just not tonight.’

‘But I did it Cas. I fucking qualified, I’m a fucking pro now.’ His voice was tinged with a hint of anger.

‘I know, Dean.’ Cas nodded. ‘Let me reward  _ you _ .’ Cas moved to bring his face towards Dean's dick but Dean pushed him away.

‘I want to fuck you Cas.’

Cas shook his head. ‘Not tonight.’

Dean reached for him again, trying to pull him further towards him.

‘Why? I know you want it.’

‘It’s not that I don’t want it.’

‘For fuck sake Cas, let me do this.’

‘No.’ Cas pulled away. His voice firm. ‘Not like this.’

‘Not like what?’ Dean asked.

Cas got up and stood on the other side of the bed leaving Dean alone.

‘Sorry, was I supposed to light some candles? Put on a bit of Marvin Gaye? Is this not romantic enough for you?’

‘You’re drunk.’ Cas repeated.

‘When has that stopped you before? What you’re happy to suck my dick but now I wanna fuck you, it's not enough?’

‘It’s not like that.’ Cas said.

‘What? You want me to take you to prom all of a sudden? Buy you dinner, is that it?’

Cas shook his head.

Dean got up then and began pulling on his clothes.

‘Such a little bitch.’ He mumbled.

‘Just leave, Dean.’

‘Already on it.’ He stood up and grabbed his jacket. ‘I thought you understood what this was? It doesn’t matter if I’m drunk Cas, you don’t have to spare my feelings. You’re just a warm mouth to me.’

It shouldn’t have hurt but it did. Cas swallowed back the lump in his throat and didn’t move until he heard the door slam and the house was silent again.


	5. 5

Dean woke with the mother of all hangovers. 

He laid on top of his bed, fully clothed and with a raging erection. He didn’t know how his body managed it, his mouth felt so dry and when he lifted his head he was immediately dizzy.

With a deep breath he pushed through the searing pain in his temple and stumbled to the bathroom to get a glass of water. He finished it in one go and to his body’s instant regret he leaned over the toilet bowl and threw up the entire contents of his stomach.

Rung out, he gargled some mouthwash, refilled his glass and went back to bed. He took small sips this time. Slowly. And the deep sick feeling began to subside. He found some painkillers in his drawer, tossed them back and went back to sleep.

When he woke again it was dark,  _ thank God _ . He didn’t think he could deal with the blazing light that had come through the windows earlier. His headache was more dull and he was suddenly starving.

He spent the next few days in bed, and whenever his dad knocked to ask how he was doing he gave the same excuse that he still wasn’t feeling well.

In reality the hangover passed in a day. But the nausea had left to leave a different sick feeling at the pit of his stomach.

He didn’t understand why he cared. Cas wasn’t his boyfriend. They didn’t do feelings, something Dean made very clear from the offset.  _ Just sex _ . Pure, uncomplicated sex.

With no feelings he could shirk the shame. He wasn’t dating a guy.  _ Hell no _ . Just getting his rocks off.

He tried to focus on what actually mattered. His win at his last race and the teams qualifying to enter the cup. He checked his phone and had multiple missed calls from Sam.  _ Fuck _ . He checked the time. He was late.

He called Sam on his hands free in the car.

‘Do you still need a ride?’ He asked.

‘Yes. But also Bobby called me!’ Sam's voice got high and excited. ‘What the hell Dean? Why didn’t you text?’

Dean sighed. ‘Sorry it was a lot. Then I was drunk and I’m still getting over it.’ He forced a snort of a laugh through his nose.

‘I’ll see you soon,’ Sam said and Dean could hear someone calling Sam’s name.

Dean pulled up near the back of the parking lot. He didn’t want to risk Cas seeing his car and confronting him.

_ Coward _ , he thought.

But Cas hadn’t called or text. Dean remembered the moment in blurs. Fuck. He had actually tried to fuck Cas? Actual full on anal. Not that he was afraid of it or hadn’t thought about it but shit. He could feel himself blushing and then Sam was climbing into the car.

‘Hey.’ Sam said, pulling on his belt. ‘What the hell Dean? I had to find out from Bobby.’

‘No chick flick moments please.’ Dean rolled his eyes.

‘NASCAR Dean. This is NASCAR. Not amateur cups or kart racing. This is it. The big time.’

Dean said nothing.

‘I’m so proud of you Dean.’

‘There it is.’ Dean said, but he couldn’t help it, a grin took over his face. ‘Besides there are guys younger than me who have already won this thing.’

‘Who cares? You’ve won plenty. You’re prepared for this, Dean.’

Dean smiled, looking out onto the road.

‘I wish you had been there.’

‘Me too.’ Sam sighed.

‘Dad was there. He’s getting better you know?’

Sam shook his head.  ‘Whatever... you’ll be on the road soon then I guess?’

‘Bobby is on it. Where he goes, I follow.’

Sam nodded.  ‘I’ll try and make some Dean.’

‘Daytona?’

‘And see you crash and burn, how could I miss it?’

‘Bitch.’ Dean said.

‘Jerk.’ Sam retorted.

They laughed and he replayed the moment in his mind.

He had been moving so fast, pressing so hard and yet everything seemed to slow. Crossing the line, Ellen spotting him.

‘You’ve done it Dean.’ Her voice was steady. ‘You're over the line and in the time.’

He could have cried. He could hear the shouts and cheers of the team down the radio before Ellen muted it again so he could focus on bringing the car back into the pit safely.

John was beaming. He came to races when he could. He would smile and pat Dean on the shoulder, but this time he pulled Dean into the roughest hug and held him so tightly that Dean forgot for a moment it was his own father. 

When John pulled away his eyes were glassy and big, ‘well done son, well done,’ he said, and turned away to let the rest of the team gather around Dean, taking his helmet and gloves and plying him with water. Dean began drinking on the drive back, Ellen had offered him a ride along with John and Jo who came for moral support.

Jo handed him a hip flask and they smiled like they were fourteen again. She reached out to squeeze his hand. A platonic gesture, their romantic relationship long over and he thought about how he could just lean in and kiss her. How easy it would be, how little people would care.

Back at The Roadhouse, everyone piled Dean with shots and handshakes. Benny, another driver on their team had qualified too, just a few seconds behind Dean, and he, Charlie and Gordon were all playing some drinking game while they huddled around the Jukebox, filling it with change. Bobby and Rufus and the guys at the garage had worked so hard to get the car right. Their team was smaller than most, but they were a family and as Dean looked around at all the faces his heart felt somewhat empty,  _ Sam should have been there _ . He knew though, that it was Sam's choice and he downed another tequila as he let his mind drift to Cas.

The alcohol and the win had really given him a sense of overwhelming courage and he suddenly didn’t realise why he was holding back.

He wanted to be with Cas. Perhaps not totally in the feelings-relationship way but he wanted to know his body, all of it

_ Fuck he felt so good _ . The adrenaline was still rushing through his veins and he wanted it to last.

He left the bar as discreetly as he could, got in a cab and let himself through Cas’s door, unable to keep the excitement off his face.

But it had all been wrong. Cas hadn’t understood him.

In his stupid pride he had said something he didn’t mean and now he might never see Cas again.

It was pathetic really, the way he wouldn’t just miss the orgasms or Cas’s mouth on his dick, but the unspoken agreement. The way Cas understood him, and didn’t ask him to be something he wasn’t. He let Dean pleasure him, come over and fuck his mouth whenever he pleased. And now it was over, like most of Dean’s relationships, in a hasty stupid moment.

####  \---

Dean took Sam to a diner to celebrate. They ordered all the breakfast foods, burgers and pie for dessert. They stuffed themselves like they did as teenagers and laughed until their sides hurt at all the pranks they used to pull on Bobby and Rufus.

They didn’t talk about John again.

Dean asked Sam about school, his grades and classes. A lot of the subjects went over Dean's head but he nodded and sipped his coffee, trying to be the supportive Winchester in the way their dad wasn’t.

Sam hinted that there might be a girl he liked in his class and Dean made high pitched wooing sounds that resulted in Sam threatening to stab him with a fork.

When he left Sam at his place he went straight to the repair shop. Bobby was closing up but Dean offered to work on something.

Bobby talked him through a customer car that had come in and what was required and Dean worked until his back ached and he was dead on his feet.

The next morning he did the same. He asked Rufus to give him all of his tasks, he made an excuse about giving Rufus a break as he always stayed at the garage, keeping it running smoothly when Bobby, Dean and half of the team were out at race events. Rufus seemed confused but let Dean take over his workload, only stopping briefly for a quick lunch. 

Gordon and Benny were laughing at something Charlie had left on her desk.

‘Oh grow up,’ Charlie said from under a car, probably shaking her head. The smartest person there and she had to put up with these knuckleheads.

‘It’s just so  _ gay _ .’ Gordon said.

This suddenly hit Deans ears and he looked up at them. 

‘Right Dean?’

Dean put down his things and joined them, they were holding a flyer for a theme night at Dorothy’s. Dean tried not to blush as he recognised the logo.

‘So gay.’ Benny agreed.

‘You do realise I’m right here?’ Charlie got up and pulled the flyer out of their hands. ‘It’s 2005, people are gay.’

‘Wait-’ Gordon and Benny looked at one another.

‘I’m a female mechanic!’ Charlie threw out her arms, gesturing at herself. ‘I am literally a quintessential lesbian stereotype.’

Benny looked away but Gordon continued.

‘Yeah but girl on girl is fine. That’s  _ hot _ .’ He laughed and Benny joined in.

‘Drag is an  _ art _ .’ She said, rolling her eyes, folding up the flyer and putting it in her pocket.

‘Guys with guys? Guys dressing up as girls? Nah.’ Gordon shook his head. ‘That’s just not right.’

‘I don’t get it.’ Benny tried to say as if he was trying to make an excuse for their bigotry and his eyes made contact with Dean and he just shook his head too.

‘It’s not your business anyway.’ Charlie said as she got back under another car and as Bobby came in to speak to Gordon about something the conversation was over.

A lump in his throat, Dean moved back to the gear box he was working on.

Dean arrived at the shop earlier and left later. The days passed easier like this and he wondered why he hadn’t done this before. All those thoughts that he had tried to suppress and if he had just kept busy, morning until night he might not have ever acted on them.

He only thought of Cas on his short breaks when he would leave to give Sam a ride back to his apartment.

‘I have a bike, you know?’ Sam said.

But Dean shook his head.

If he didn’t have these rides when would he see Sam? They would have to make plans like actual adults. Arrange a time and place and drink and it was just so much easier to talk when he had the road in front of him to focus on.

He felt safe driving. He felt home. Through the night, on the track, in the rain. He felt the most in control under the hood of a car and behind the wheel.

Sometimes at night, before bed, he thought about calling Cas. Even just to hear him say ‘ _ Dean _ _?_ ’ The way he knew he would when he answered the call. And this tiny thing - as small as it was - made Dean feel broken and it scared him. So he would put down his phone and go back to sleep.

####  \---

Two weeks passed by uneventfully. Castiel’s strange feelings of sadness towards his argument with Dean mutated into his anxiety about the upcoming event he’d been invited to. It was the event that had led him to Dorothy’s that night he met Dean. 

The wedding invite had arrived crisp and clean.

He was happy for Raphael and Virgil, he really was. They had been friends in Castiel’s regiment and it was so obvious there was something between them.

But Castiel left the army suddenly when their tour was finally over and for his own peace of mind he couldn’t speak to them. Balthazar, Anna, Uriel, any of them.

He missed them, like family, and yet they reminded him of his guilt, the things he had seen, and just wanted to put in a box and file away forever.

He had thrown himself into school, he had got a degree while in the army and decided postgrad study would keep him busy. Then he kept studying and writing until he was being advised to get a teaching qualification and offered a research placement and before he knew it he was leading lectures.

None of it daunted him. Not really. He had been in situations where he didn’t think he would make it out alive. Classrooms were safe. Students talking over him in seminars was easy.

He thought about the wedding. About seeing everyone again, how they would all be paired up and happy and sharing pet photos or baby photos and he would be there alone with no date. The perpetual third wheel.

It was still weeks away. He had thought about inviting Dean but shook that idea away as fast as it had arrived. He was probably just better off getting a cat.

But he let his mind wander to Dean as the evening ticked on. It was almost around the time Dean would text, or show up, and Cas felt his body react like a reflex.

He didn’t even care about having a plus one for the wedding he just wanted to see Dean. Feel his rough kisses on his thighs. The way his eyes would gaze down at Cas as he stroked him. His moans when Cas would bring him so close to orgasm and his little laugh when Cas would slow it down again, dragging it out.

He wanted an order. He wanted to follow. To obey. To let Dean have him. All of him.

It had always been Dean, to show up at his house, his office, to peruse him. Dean took what he wanted and maybe Cas shouldn’t have stopped him.

He knew Dean was drunk and he would probably have regretted it. When Cas brought up anal before, Dean just cringed and shook his head. Cas knew it was probably some dumb line in Dean's mind that he didn’t want to cross. Fucking a guy in the ass was just too far. And he got over it, what they did was enough, he’d had less sex in steady relationships.

Maybe Dean thought he didn’t want him. He shook his head. How could he think that? It was so obvious how much Cas enjoyed their time together. But Dean had hardly let him speak. Cas rejected him and he lashed out in pain.

Castiel threw the pillow he was plumping down on the couch. Everything was meticulously organised and clean as always. Almost more so now he was so horny and wanted to keep busy.

Without thinking he reached for his phone and flipped it open. He found the number and typed.

**_CASTIEL: Come over._ **

And it was sent. Immediately he regretted it. Once again he had let his dick decide to invite someone - possibly unhealthy - back into his life. He put the phone down across the room. Dean wouldn’t show. He wouldn’t get his hopes up. Dean was probably fucking someone else already. Someone young and female.

Cas went back into the kitchen to make tea for his nerves. He moved about the room slowly, placing the kettle on the stove and listening to the quiet simmer of the water coming to the boil. He sat and sipped and waited. He knew he shouldn’t have. He should have read, or watched TV. But he sat at the kitchen table and waited.

When his mug was empty, he admitted defeat. He moved to the sink to rinse the cup, adding it to the rack and drying his hands.

But then he heard a knock.


	6. 6

The knock on the backdoor was soft. 

Castiel paused. Then slowly moved over to unlatch and open it.

Dean looked up from where he stood, barely a silhouette in the moonlight and Cas stepped back to let him in.

‘Hey.’ He said.

‘Hello Dean.’ Was all Cas could muster.

‘You seem surprised to see me.’ Dean gave a small laugh, trying to meet Cas’s eyes.

‘I didn’t think you would come.’

Dean laughed again.

‘Well I’m here now. Aren’t I? You text me.’

Cas nodded.

‘Cas-' Dean began.

‘I’m willing to put this behind us... if you are.’ Cas said.

Dean gave a sigh and a small smile.

‘You don’t want to talk about it?’ Dean asked.

Cas shook his head.

‘Ok. Well...’

‘Kiss me Dean.’ Cas ordered and Dean nodded stepping forward to lean down and kiss Cas gently on the lips.

It seemed to last forever, Dean just holding Castiel, their lips finding that rhythm between red hot desire and warm longing.

Dean smelled fresh, like he’d just stepped out of the shower. He stood steady. There was no trace of beer or scotch and yet he was kissing Cas, over and over and he wouldn’t stop.

####  \---

Eventually they stopped for breath and Castiel followed Dean up to the bedroom where they fell back into their usual rhythm.

Dean was different though, Cas thought, even minutely. He still rushed to pull off their clothes and press Cas deep into the sheets with each thrust of their hips against one another but he looked at Cas more. Watched him closely, and when Cas reached out to kiss him, pulling Dean down to find his lips he didn’t pull away. He let it happen.

Cas wondered if their time apart had helped Dean realise that there was no shame in their acts. But he wouldn’t go so far as to say anything and shatter that delicate balance they had.

Right now he was just glad to climb on top of Dean, massage his sensitive erection until he was gently moaning for release and watch the way his lashes fluttered when he came.

Dean laid with Cas for a little while. Naked and together. Castiel wanted so badly to touch him, run his hands over his chest in a loving way, not sexual, just happy. But he didn’t want to seem emotional.

Dean got up and dressed, pressed a kiss onto Castiel’s lips, and left.

####  \---

  
  


Dean seemed so much more relaxed now. He still came over to Castiel’s late and left afterwards, but he took his time more, letting himself enjoy Cas more. He seemed more present, as if he was savouring the moments rather than rushing through them as fast as he could so he didn’t have to admit they were actually happening.

He smiled more, and Cas found himself searching for it, seeking it out, trying to make a lighthearted joke so he could catch it.

Dean seemed busier than ever. He was travelling for races all over the US. Cas saw him twice a week at most.

Once, as if eager to see Cas again, Dean arrived as Castiel was cooking.

‘Have you eaten?’ Cas asked and Dean shook his head.

They sat and ate a meal, making small talk about Castiel’s students, Dean's work at the shop and where he was going next on the road. Cas asked about his races.

‘No podiums yet.’ Dean said, ‘But we’re getting there, I’m feeling out the competition.’

And when Cas asked questions Dean didn’t shrug them off or shush him with the distraction of sexual acts, but he let himself talk. Explain things to Cas. Like it was easy.

Before Castiel could put the plates down in the sink, Dean was behind him. Snaking his hands around his waist and rubbing himself up behind Cas. Castiel felt himself stiffen.

‘Thanks for dinner.’ Dean said softly into Cas’s ear, and placed soft kisses over the back of his neck. Cas smiled.

‘I don’t have any dessert I’m afraid.’

Cas turned to face Dean, his hands either side of Cas on the counter, trapping him.

‘I’ll just have to have you then.’ Dean breathed against Cas’s neck, undoing his shirt and kissing lower and lower until everything was hazy except the heat of Dean's mouth on his erection.

They didn’t even get upstairs and Dean had to sit at the kitchen table, breathing heavily before his legs could begin to contemplate walking again.

A week passed and Dean did the same. This time he arrived with pie.

‘You have to try this Cas,’ he beamed, ‘Best pie in the state - except mine of course.’ And that night, as Cas lay tired and spent against the pillow, Dean fed him mouthfuls of cherry pie, and he didn’t even care about the crumbs in the sheets.

####  \---

‘Do you know this girl?’ Dean asked.

Castiel sighed. Dean had been talking about Sam, between aggressive forkfuls of lasagne.

‘I shouldn’t really talk about my students by name, Dean.’

‘Oh come on.’ Dean tilted his head and gave Cas a puppy dog look.

Dean was asking about a girl that Sam has mentioned.

‘Yes. I know her. She’s in the classes I have with Sam. She’s very polite and smart.’

‘I knew she would be. Sam is too smart. Sometimes I’m shocked we’re even related.’

‘You’re smart too.’ Cas shook his head.

‘I’m not an idiot. But I’m not Sam smart.’

‘You’re a mechanic, you know more about cars than anyone I’ve ever met, road cars, karts, stock cars. The stats you give me are beyond my comprehension and the competition schedule alone is beyond confusion for me. You read Vonnegut, you have a solid knowledge of aerodynamics. You’re very intelligent Dean.’ Cas nodded, taking another bite of lasagne.

Dean put his fork down and sipped his drink. He was suddenly overwhelmed by Castiel’s words. He cleared his throat, tried to shrug it off, but couldn’t stop the smile that bloomed with the blush in his cheeks.

When Cas looked up at him, he smiled too, just happy to see such an expression on Dean's face.

Dean leaned forward and kissed Castiel hard.

‘What was that for?’ Cas asked, when he was able to swallow the food that was still in his mouth.

Dean shrugged again, looked away and sipped his beer.

‘You get me.’

Cas laughed.

That evening as Castiel ran his lips over every inch of Dean, placing kisses on his most sensitive spots and making him wriggle, he had to keep pushing back the urge to say something stupid about his feelings.

‘Could I come?’ Cas asked, as Dean pulled his clothes back on. ‘To one of your races.’

Dean paused.

‘As a spectator. I wouldn’t speak to you or acknowledge you. I would just be there in the crowd. And you would know.’

Dean smiled. He liked the thought of that.

‘Sure.’ He shrugged.

And Cas booked a motel in the next city Dean would be racing in.


	7. 7

The crowd was huge. No one would ever know Castiel was there. He sat in the stands and waited for the event to begin.

It wasn’t the most exciting, he had to admit, the cars went around and around in circles over and over but Castiel knew one of the drivers. Knew his love for the speed, knew the way his breath hitched up when he got excited and Cas rose further and further forward in his spot as the race neared its end.

Dean was in third, the cars moving beside one another like swimmers in formation. He had left Cas a team hat, with the colours and the number of Dean's car on it.

They were on their last lap, Dean and the two front runners were so close. The car in first place began to pull away on the straight, speeding up to take the finish, and just as they came around the final corner, Dean's car slipped forward too. He pushed away from the car beside him, pulling just a few inches ahead but it was enough. He crossed the finish in second and the crowd yelled and cheered.

Cas was ecstatic as he watched Dean take his place on the podium. His body sleek and buff in his overalls. He pressed his hands to his eyes as if to wipe away tears as they handed him his trophy. And Cas wanted to cry for him too, so overcome with joy.

#### \---

He didn’t think he would see Dean again until they were both back home in Kansas but just after nine he received a text.

**_DEAN: Where are you?_ **

Cas replied with the motel name and room number. He ordered two slices of the only pie that was on the room service menu and took a shower to calm himself from the excitement of the day.

Just over an hour later there was a knock at his door and Cas pulled Dean in so hard to hug him.

‘Dean that was incredible.’ He smiled and Dean just blushed and laid back onto the bed.

‘I can’t believe it.’ Was all he could say.

Dean wasn’t nearly as drunk as Cas thought he would be and Castiel offered him everything from the mini bar. He gladly accepted the whiskey and drank it slowly as Cas sat beside him.

‘I got you some pie.’ Cas said, gesturing at the boxes on the desk. ‘I wasn’t sure if you would be hungry...’

But Dean was already up and opening the top box. ‘Fuck, Cas. You angel.’ He laughed. ‘Podium and pie.’ He picked up a fork and tucked in.

Cas didn’t know what to say but smile and watch Dean.

‘You might be my lucky charm.’ Dean joked, and Cas shook his head. 

‘You deny your own talent.’

Dean put the pie down and moved toward Cas.

‘I’m so fucking glad you’re here.’

‘Really?’

Dean reached down to take Cas’s face in his hands.

‘Don’t make me say it again.’

Cas smiled, and Dean leaned down to kiss him.

Dean was exhausted and after an hour or two spent kissing and touching they both fell asleep in the extra wide motel bed.

It was so strange watching Dean sleep. He was so beautiful in the way that his face just looked so serene. Like nothing had ever hurt him, like he wasn’t afraid of anything. Cas didn’t care what Dean said about not wanting any of the girly-crap. He brought a hand up to Dean's jaw and gently traced a line down to his throat and over his collar bones.

As if by reflex, Dean moved forward, bringing his face to rest on Castiel’s chest and draping an arm over his stomach.

It wasn’t as if they hadn’t done this before. Every now and then, since they had made up after their mishap, Dean would act more affectionate towards Cas. Granted he came over for sex and never stayed the night but occasionally they would hold each other, or spoon for a little while. As if it somehow made up for Dean's emotional unavailability.

But he had never fallen asleep this way and stayed the night.

Something heavy lodged itself in Castiel’s stomach.

It was happening. He cursed himself. _He wouldn’t develop feelings for Dean Winchester_ . He reminded himself of the words that haunted his midnights: _You’re just a wet mouth_. Not a boyfriend or even a friend. Just a guy fucking another guy in secret, a bit of harmless fun. 

But Cas knew it wasn’t harmless anymore. Not when Dean shared his meals, and rambled at length about Sam and his favourite classic cars and even though Dean hardly asked Castiel about himself, Castiel was the one pining for more.

It was pathetic really, how little he would take. But Dean was perfect. _No_. He shouldn’t use that word. Dean was a coward, too afraid to come out, living a lie.

But he kept coming back to Cas. To his bed. And it was slowly weighing him down.


	8. 8

Dean woke with a grunt.

‘What time is it?’ He asked, peering up to look at Castiel who was pulling on clean clothes from his suitcase.

‘Almost 10.’ He said. ‘Sorry Dean but I have to check out soon.’

Dean nodded. ‘You should have woken me.’

Castiel turned away to keep packing. He didn’t want to admit that he wanted Dean around, asleep or not. His face squished against the pillow was just so damn cute.

Dean moved straight to the bathroom and got in the shower. Was he mad? Should Cas have woken him?

Cas finished filling his suitcase and perched awkwardly on the bed. He didn’t want to just leave. But that’s what Dean always did. Then the faucet turned off and Cas simply watched Dean dry himself through the gap in the bathroom door, then put his clothes on.

‘You’re still here?’

‘I wanted to say goodbye.’ Cas blushed.

Dean smiled and kissed him gently before looking for his clothes. Castiel nodded and left the room to make his way back down to reception.

####  \--- 

  
  


A few days later he saw Dean again. He showed up with Chinese food and they ate on the couch, discussing the race, how close it had been.

As they made out in bed, Dean paused, his nose pressed against Castiel’s cheek.

‘Cas.’ He breathed, which made Cas go weak inside. ‘I want to fuck you.’

Cas moved up onto his elbows, so he could see Dean's face.

‘How would you feel about that?’ Dean asked.

‘I would be ok with that.’

‘I’ve- I know I’ve not done it before. But I’ve done my homework. I want you to guide me Cas. Show me.’

Cas smiled. ‘Are you sure Dean?’

Dean nodded. ‘Are you?’

‘Of course.’ Cas nodded, pressing his forehead to Dean's and kissing him lightly.

Cas moved to get the lube from the drawer.

‘Do you want me to get a condom?’ Dean said.

‘Have you been with anyone else?’ Cas asked.

‘Not since before I met you.’

Cas nodded. ‘Whatever you feel comfortable with Dean.’ He said.

Dean looked up at where Cas stood now, at the edge of the bed. His green eyes wide like he was so innocent.

‘It’s not like pussy, Dean.’

Dean nodded. And Cas laid back down on the bed.

Cas handed Dean the lube and spread his legs. Dean's mouth seemed suddenly dry.

‘Wet one of your fingers, be generous, and gently put it inside me.’ Cas said, his voice quiet and calm.

Dean did as he was told. He lubed up his index finger and pushed it up against Castiel’s hole.

‘Slowly.’ Cas sighed.

Dean rubbed the hole at first moving just the tip of his finger in and out so slowly. Gently he eased deeper, and it was nothing like he’d ever felt. A tight suction.

He moved his finger further and Cas began to moan softly, his brows furrowed and he bit his lip.

Dean was overwhelmed by how arousing Cas looked. How he let Dean slowly finger him. In and out. He added more lube and another finger, feeling the hole stretch slightly for him. He pushed and pushed, rocking gently with his hand, stoking Cas’s cock as he did. After three fingers Cas moaned harder. Dean tried to push deeper, to angle up toward Cas’s hips but he mostly focused on the way Cas watched him, his eyes heavy, drinking Dean in.

Dean pulled his fingers out, slicked up his dick until it was soaked in lube and pre-come and pressed it up against Cas.

‘Are you ready?’ He asked and Cas nodded.

With the same slow movement Dean pushed himself down into Cas.

_ ‘Fuck _ .’

Cas was already panting, his fingers grasping at the sheets.

Cas was so tight around Dean’s dick. Like Castiel’s body seemed to pull him in, an incredible mix of pleasure and pain.

Dean moaned. He didn’t move. Just stayed deep within Cas. Leaning forward as much as he could to kiss Cas, he let his hands rub over the back of Cas’s thighs.

_ Fuck _ . It was just  _ so  _ much.

He moved outwards gently and could already feel his cock hardening for climax. He didn’t want it to end, it was paradise right here, inside Castiel, his bright blue eyes wide, his swollen lips puckered, waiting for Dean's next kiss.

But the sensation overwhelmed him. He thrust slowly once, then again and with Castiel’s whimpers he was gone. Come spilling out of him so fast he could barely hold his legs up.

####  \---

Once again Castiel woke to Dean's breath on his neck.

He almost thought he was dreaming as he squinted at the sunlight seeping in through the cracks in the curtain.

His alarm hadn’t gone off yet, but it would soon. He didn’t want to wake Dean, to touch him, afraid of how if he did. The whole thing would be shattered.

After Dean had stayed in his motel with him, he was certain it had been a one off and he was not expecting that kind of intimacy from him again. But as he pressed his back to Dean's chest and soaked in his warmth he let himself enjoy it for what it was, before slipping away to take a shower.

When he got back Dean was still asleep.

‘Dean.’ He said gently.

Dean frowned. His eyes still tightly shut.

‘I have to go to work.’ Cas explained as he pulled on a clean shirt and tie.

Dean began to move, rubbing his eyes and watching Cas.

‘You can stay of course. But I have to go.’ Dean nodded and Castiel leaned down to put a soft kiss on Dean's forehead.

When he leaned back his tie was caught. Dean smirked, he had hold of it and was pulling Castiel back down for another gentle kiss.

‘Goodbye Dean.’ Castiel said again, trying to hide his smile and he left him there in his bed.

He thought about that moment all day. Leaving Dean in his bed. How easy it felt. How bad he wanted it every morning, but he knew that he probably wouldn’t see Dean again this week, especially as Cas was going out of town for that wedding. He sighed.

The sun set as he sat in his office grading papers. It was mid-semester and these essays made up a fraction of his students' grades. He could do it at home he thought, as his stomach growled, but he was in the zone here.

_ Discipline _ , he reminded himself from his days in the army. It was his key to efficiency.

After eight pm his phone rang.

‘Dean?’

‘Hey Cas, where are you?’

‘I’m still at the office.’

‘Oh. I bought dinner. Are you coming home soon?’

_ Are you coming home? _ Cas knew Dean just meant his house, his place, but Cas wanted it to mean more. Home to Dean.

‘Yes. I’m leaving now.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. I’ll be there soon.’

Cas gathered everything and put it in his satchel. Hastily trying to keep the papers organised. He almost ran to his car, turning the key and moving out of the parking lot as fast as possible.

Dean was sitting at the kitchen table, playing some kind of game on a laptop.

Had Dean bought his laptop over? Perhaps he just had it in his car.

‘Sorry.’ Cas said, breathless. ‘I thought because you stayed last night...’

He never saw Dean two nights in a row.

‘Oh.’ Dean blushed and rubbed his neck, standing awkwardly. ‘Should I go?’

‘Have you eaten?’

‘I was waiting for you.’

Castiel put his things down and pulled off his coat.

‘Let’s eat then.’

They ate quietly, Dean more quiet than usual. He would normally crack jokes or simply happy-moan about how good the burgers were.

‘I want to say thanks, Cas.’ Dean suddenly broke the silence.

‘For what?’ Cas asked.

‘Last night.’

Cas shook his head.

‘It’s not necessary.’

‘I want-’ he looked away. ‘I want to be happy Cas.’

Cas looked up and waited for Dean to elaborate.

‘I want to be happy with you. I know I’m not all the way there yet. And that I’m a jerk for using you to figure all my shit out but... for the first time in so long I think I’m actually happy.’ Dean sighed. ‘Damn, I sound like such a bitch.’

‘I’m happy too Dean.’ Cas reached out to put a hand on top of Dean's.

Dean finally let his eyes meet Cas again.

Cas just gave him that unnerving constant eye contact that he never seemed to break regardless of the atmosphere.

‘Ok, stop undressing me with your eyes.’ Dean laughed and he gave Cas a wink as he picked up their take out packets and threw them in the bin.

‘Would you want to be my date to a wedding?’ Cas blurted.

Dean froze, facing away from Cas. He brought one of his hands up to tap the counter.

‘I don’t expect you to say yes. But I thought I would ask. They’re old friends, from my time in the army. None of my colleagues from the university. No one would know you.’ Castiel shook his head. ‘Forget it. I’m sorry.’

‘Cas-’ Dean began, turning slowly.

‘I don’t know why I asked. You’re not my boyfriend. If you-‘

‘Maybe.’

Cas looked up. Dean had his hands in his pockets and was looking at his shoes.

‘Can I think about it?’ Dean asked.

‘Of course. But the wedding is this weekend.’

Dean nodded. ‘I probably have some stuff I need to do for next weekend's race.’ Dean said quietly.

‘I’m fine with whatever you decide.’ Castiel said. ‘Really. I just thought it would be nice to get out of town again. Open bar. Luxury hotel.’

Dean began to smirk then, licking his lips.

Castiel was certain he’d stepped too far. That before long Dean would make his excuses and leave. But instead he just sat back down next to Cas and said, ‘you never told me you were in the army.’

‘You never asked.’

Dean tipped his head at that, palming the beer bottle in his hand.

‘When?’

‘Over ten years ago now.’

‘Wow.’ Dean took a swig. ‘You don’t have any scars.’

‘I was a very skilled soldier.’ And although Cas had meant it seriously, Dean gave him a cheeky grin.

‘I did think you were pretty buff for a Professor.’ Dean laughed. ‘Now it makes sense how tidy this place always is.’

‘Old habits.’ Cas said and finished his own beer. He moved to get the work he had piled precariously into his bag before leaving the office.

‘I’m sorry Dean. But I really have to get some work done.’

Dean nodded.

‘I’m very thankful for dinner.’ Castiel said.

Without sex on the table, Castiel waited to watch Dean grab his jacket and keys, and make his way out the back door, but he just stayed sitting at the kitchen table.

‘It still cool if I stay?’ Dean asked.

And like the fool he was, Castiel nodded.


	9. 9

Dean was trying so hard.

The whole thing scared the shit out of him. He didn’t like the way Castiel’s smile made him queasy, or how right it had felt inside him. He hated how calm he felt in his presence, how he could talk and talk and Castiel would just nod and listen and take it all in.

He hated how he knew he was acting like a dumbass, how he made self-deprecating jokes and while sometimes Cas would laugh, other times he would disagree.

And the disagreement wasn’t even done to spare his feelings, or emotionally manipulate him. It was just a simple matter that Cas was always honest.

Like when Dean had bragged about how clever Sam was and how he could never be that smart. But Castiel had shook his head. He wasn’t trying to make Dean feel better about himself, he simply disagreed and explained how Dean too, was incredibly intelligent in his own way.

He didn’t like the way Cas saw him as more than the trash he knew he was. How he had used Castiel and insulted him and weighed on him and he was petrified of how he was going to hurt him.

Because that’s what Dean did. Everything he tried to achieve, he failed. Relationships, his father's health, even his racing career.

He tried as hard as he could to push harder, but occasionally he would just blank, or let his emotions get too much and he would spin, or crash or both and wonder why anyone ever put any faith in him.

Sam stopped relying on him a long time ago, and he hated it. He was supposed to be the big brother.

But he couldn’t stay away from Castiel. As much as he had tried to make it meaningless, to scrape it down to the shadowed, empty acts of pleasure, he couldn’t keep it up.

He was tired, damn it. He wanted to actually fucking  _ try  _ at a relationship and not sabotage it before it got too serious. Knowing that the people before had always been too good for him, Dean would end it before letting them wake up one day and realise how pathetic he was.

Lying awake in bed, he would see Castiel’s eyes, remember the touch of his tongue on hard nipples, the way Cas would say his name in the most deadpan tone possible and yet it held everything.

Dean didn’t want to leave Castiel’s place. Even if they weren’t sleeping together. He didn’t want to go home to the smell of whiskey and beer, peel his dad off the couch and put him to bed. Then lay awake wondering why he was forcing himself to be alone.

Instead he sat at Castiel’s kitchen table re-opened his laptop and played some games. Then he cleaned up what few dirty dishes there were in the sink and went up to bed.

Castiel joined him at some point, when Dean was lucid, halfway between awake and asleep. Cas moved under the duvet to find Dean, slipped his arm under the crook in his neck so he could spoon him, and kissed the back of Dean’s neck.

Dean hardly reacted, just moved his arm to cover Cas’s that had come over his waist. And let himself breathe in the soft smell of clean sheets, Castiel’s minty breath and the feel of his stubble tickling his skin.

####  \---

When Castiel arrived home the following evening, he noticed Dean's car parked outside. Usually he never saw it. Assuming that like a good mistress Dean left it somewhere else and walked through the shadows to slide like a burglar through Castiel’s gate after dark.

But it sat right there, in front of his house and when he walked through the front door the strong smell of pastry enveloped him.

‘Dean?’ He called out.

And there he was, flour all over his shirt, sleeves rolled up, his Walkman in, dancing in Castiel’s kitchen as he wiped flour from the counters.

_ ‘Dean _ .’ Cas said again, coming up beside him.

Dean jumped. ‘Damn it, Cas!’

Dean held a shaky hand up to his chest.

‘Apologies.’ Cas stepped back.

Dean pulled his headphones out of his ears and put them in his pocket.

‘What are you doing?’

‘What does it smell like I’m doing?’

‘Let me guess. Pie.’

‘Bingo!’ Dean grinned, getting a fist full of Castiel’s shirt and pulling him in for a kiss.

Dean had both prepared dinner and baked dessert. He was hyper and moving about the kitchen like he was on drugs but Castiel was certain he was sober except for the beer they drank to eat with.

‘You didn’t have to go to so much effort.’ Castiel said. But Dean just shook his head.

‘I love a pie, you know me, but there’s just something about pie fresh out of the oven. Besides I had a free afternoon.’

Castiel wondered if he should ask why but before he could, Dean handed him a plate and they sat down to eat.

Pleasantly satisfied they sat back on the couch and watched reruns of Doctor Sexy that had Dean laughing and grinning.

Eventually it was too much for Castiel, too nice. Is this what Dean thought he wanted? To come home to a cooked dinner and play house and go to bed early after a chapter of a good book.

In a way it  _ was  _ what Castiel wanted, what he did most of the time alone but not with Dean. Dean never slowed.

Castiel went upstairs to his room to grab some things then came back into the sitting room and shut off the TV.

‘What the hell?’ Dean asked, his eyebrows raised giving Cas a shocked expression.

‘Come on.’ Cas said, taking Dean's hand and pulling him to stand.

‘What are we doing?’

‘What does it look like we’re doing?’ Cas said back, in a similar tone to Dean just earlier.

Cas sank to his knees and tugged at Dean's jeans. Popping the button open with a swift movement he was getting so used to. Dean happily obliged, that smirk growing on his face as he pulled off his shirt.

He came back up to face Dean, kissing him hard, moving forward, his hands in his hair until they both stumbled back onto the couch.

Dean laughed and pinned Cas down, straddling him, he unbuttoned his shirt and Cas sat forward to tug it off.

They undressed like they were on fire, their clothes hot and burning.

Dean leaned down to kiss Castiel’s neck and Cas moaned with each little lick and suck and bite.

Dean sucked hard on one of Castiel’s nipples, rubbing the other with his thumb.

_ ‘Dean-’  _ Cas moaned as he reached down to take Dean’s cock in his hand. Dean did the same and aggressively they kissed as they rubbed each other up and down.

After a few moments Cas sat up, forcing Dean to move back and he gestured for Dean to climb off him. He did so willingly and watched as Cas stood and reached for the things he had put on the coffee table before jumping on Dean. His boner was huge and shiny against his stomach. Dean reached out to run a hand over Cas’s ass.

Cas handed him the lube and a small toy. It was shaped like a round dildo only a lot smaller and it had a hook on the bottom that you could hold on to.

Cas stood over Dean.

‘I want you to use this.’ He instructed. ‘Like you would your fingers. Get me ready for you.’

Dean licked his lips and moved his mouth like he wanted to speak but he could say nothing. His throat was tight the way it had been the first time he’d asked to fuck Cas.

‘Yeah?’ Dean asked and Cas nodded.

Cas moved to put his knees on the couch beside Dean. Dean stood and moved around behind him, running a hand over Castiel’s backside and up over his back, applying a small amount of pressure that told Castiel that he should lean forward, his hands gripping the back of the couch.

Dean took a deep breath and moved his hands over Castiel’s pale ass. It was small and perky but so round. Seeing Cas like this was a head rush, bent forward and ready for Dean to take what he wanted.

Dean lubed up one of his fingers and gently rubbed it over Castiel’s hole. He pressed on the outside, around the edges, teasing Cas who was already breathing heavily.

Then he lubed up the toy, got a good grip on it and slowly pushed the tip into Cas. He gasped, his head dropping forward at the sensation. Dean reached around for Cas’s balls. Gently rubbing and caressing them.

After a while Cas moaned harder and harder,  _ ‘Dean _ ,’ he tried to say, but it came out in shaky breaths.

Dean pulled out the toy and Cas moved to stand, impatient. Dean watched Cas, precome all over his stomach, he pushed Dean down onto the couch and straddled him. He rubbed lube up and down Dean's dick in a hasty motion then lifting himself up, one hand on Dean's shoulder, he moved to line himself up with Dean.

Cas gently lowered himself down onto Dean’s cock, and Dean gripped his thighs as they shook.

It took all of Dean's strength to keep his hips from thrusting as deep as he could go into Cas. But this way he could watch every micro expression on Castiel’s face as he bit his lip and sunk further.

When Dean was all the way in, they both let out strangled moans and Cas kissed Dean deeply, his lips still sweet from dessert and then began moving his hips up and down.

Cas moved steady and Dean tried to rub his dick but the sensation was so distractingly good. Would he ever get used to it? The tightness, the heat, the constant friction.

‘ _ Fuck- Cas _ -’ Dean put his hands in Cas’s hair and pulled their foreheads together.

In an attempt to take back some control, Dean reached for the lube and began pumping Castiel’s dick in time with the thrusts. As Dean got faster so did Cas. His frown so deep and his lips shaking.

Fuck knows how they did it, but Cas called Dean's name deep into his mouth, his dick spraying come all over Dean's stomach, and just the moan of his name alone and the sudden ecstasy on Castiel’s face had him coming hard and filling Cas up.

Sweaty and breathless they sat still.

Dean was still inside and Cas was still shuddering gently from his orgasm. They moved apart slowly, placing small, wet kisses on each other's shoulders, cheeks, arms, hips as they both sunk back onto the couch.


	10. 10

At work the following day Cas shuffled as he sat in his chair. He couldn’t forget the sensation. His ass still felt raw, like Dean’s cock was still there nestled up inside him. The sex had been so intimate, so hot and yet loving. Cas knew the pleasure was hazing his judgement, having him believe him and Dean were something they weren’t and for the third morning in a row he had woken with Dean's hard dick pressed up against his ass, reminding him of the way he was stupidly falling for a man he could barely even ask on a date to a wedding.

It was finally Friday and he spent the afternoon in meetings with faculty, discussing the exams that would be coming up in a few months along with the mountain of dissertation marking that would be awaiting him as all the students relaxed once their final semester projects were submitted.

Dean hadn’t given Cas an answer about the wedding but that evening as Cas reheated leftovers his phone buzzed.

**_DEAN: Got a suit. What time are we leaving?_ **

He shouldn’t have been so overjoyed to not be going to a wedding alone, or that he was going with Dean. Dean he was crushing on  _ hard _ . But Dean was changing right beneath his fingertips and he didn’t want to admit how happy it made him.

####  \---

Dean offered to drive them out of state and as they cruised down the highway Dean talked about his baby with a deep love. Like she was another sibling like Sam that Dean had to dutifully care for with TLC. His smile would slide back gently over his teeth when Cas would ask him about his affinity for cars and he draped his hands over the wheel like it was nothing to share his passion.

Cas laughed as Dean half sang/half howled along to the cassette tapes he had in rotation. Classic rock that Cas recognised but had never taken much of an interest in.

‘What about you, Cas? What kind of music do you like?’

‘I don’t really have a preference.’ Cas said.

‘Oh come on. You can’t be one of those people that doesn’t like music.’

‘I don’t dislike music, I just prefer the quiet.’

‘For real?’ Dean glanced at him, taking his eyes off the road for just a moment.

‘I’m not uncomfortable with my own thoughts Dean.’

And Dean shrugged, unsure if he should take offence and decided it was Cas, he would never say something so backhanded. If he had a problem with Dean he would just say it. Castiel watched the empty land roll by, the sunset bathing everything in that orange glow.

‘I like the silence, Dean. I think some people are afraid of it but I’m not. I find it peaceful.’

‘You’re a real poet Cas.’

Cas rolled his eyes.

‘I think that’s why I like you.’ He continued. ‘Because we differ so much. You’re the movement and I’m the still. You’re day and I’m night. You're the sound and I’m the silence.’

‘Deep.’ Dean nodded, trying not to let the atmosphere get too serious.

But they didn’t talk for a while after that. Dean gently humming along to AC/DC and gently admitting that he had been thinking something similar, while his life seemed nonstop chaos, Castiel was a safe mooring.

They arrived within a few hours, found their rooms, freshened up and changed into their suits.

Dean was used to seeing Cas in a shirt and tie but he usually wore his trench coat over it. Now he wore a black blazer, his hair more neatly combed, a more polished pair of shoes.

‘Looking good Novak.’ Dean joked, trying to fasten a cufflink and failing.

Cas took it from his hands without a word and threaded it through the sleeve.

‘What should I say to my friends Dean?’ Cas asked as he put Dean's wrist down and lifted the other.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I know what this is. I know you don’t want a relationship. Should I tell my friends we’re together?’

‘What else would you say.’

‘I don’t know. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.’

Cas put down Dean's other hand. Dean looked away but Cas tried to find his eyes as he straightened the bow tie at Dean's neck.

He hadn’t wanted to ask the question, he probably should have never even invited Dean but what was he supposed to say?  _ This is Dean, my fuck buddy? _

Dean sighed and got up, pulling away from Castiel’s hands.

‘You can still change your mind.’ Cas said. ‘I can go alone.’

Dean shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

‘You can say I’m your boyfriend.’ Dean finally said. ‘Just for today. But I don’t wanna do any of that other crap. No PDA, no holding hands like a pair of girls.’

‘Dean-’

‘That’s the deal Cas. Take it or leave it.’

Cas nodded.

It would be a struggle not to touch Dean. That’s why they only spent time together at his house, they hadn’t even done anything outside since his office, Dean didn’t want to risk it.

And Cas was hit once again with the truth that they actually had a relationship, even an almost healthy one that only existed within the confines of his walls.

####  \---

It was a beautiful ceremony. Dean and Cas sat toward the back, hands carefully kept to themselves.

Dean played the part of boyfriend the best he could, he was actually pretty good at it. His charming smile and quick jokes had all of Castiel’s friends laughing and asking about him.

He hadn’t realised it was a gay wedding. Two men sharing vows in a service that wasn’t technically a legal wedding in 2005, but it was still kind of sweet.

No one cared that he and Cas were lovers, no one did a double take or cast a confused look. It became clear to Dean that a Castiel lived in a very different world. A world in which his friends weren’t super close and they chimed about how they were all long overdue for a catch up, but they all accepted Castiel and knew who he was. Dean hooked a finger under his collar and wondered if he did too.

They sat at a table that seemed to be made of people from Castiel’s former regiment. Dean sat between a red-haired woman named Anna and was introduced to Uriel, Hester, and Inias as well as a few other names Dean missed.

‘You don’t miss it?’ Uriel asked Castiel.

‘Not at all.’

‘Not even being in charge?’ Hester joked.

‘In charge?’ Dean asked.

‘Oh yes,’ Anna chimed in. ‘I was commander of our regiment but when I was promoted Castiel got my job.’

‘Really?’ Dean made a face at Castiel who was blushing.

‘A great boss. Led us on many successful missions.’ Hester smiled, raising her glass.

‘Wow.’ Was all Dean could say before-

‘Here they are!’ A man Dean had been introduced to named Balthazar called loudly as the two grooms, Raphael and Virgil made their way over to the table.

‘Hello! Hello!’ Balthazar continued to chime, clearly a few glasses of champagne in at this point.

The grooms did the rounds, thanking everyone for their attendance. They shook Castiel’s hand briefly.

‘They Army too?’ Dean leaned over to ask Cas. 

‘Yes but we weren’t that close and I think they just invited me to be polite.’

‘Oh.’ Dean nodded.

‘But still, I’m part of the group I suppose and I really just came to see these people.’ Castiel gestured at the people chatting around the table.

Hester and Anna had more questions for Castiel about his new position at the university. Questions Dean had never thought to ask and he sat quietly, sipping from his wine as Castiel explained the modules he taught, the levels, the papers and journals he was writing for or contributing to. It was stuff Sam would be interested in, could discuss in depth but Dean just nodded and tried not to give away that he was a total dunce.

Everyone was a few drinks in now, the evening was winding on and Castiel’s permanent frown relaxed into a soft smile, even joking with Uriel about how quick he was to jump into Castiel’s job after he left.

Almost everyone left the table, making their way to the dance floor.

‘Want to dance Dean?’ Anna gave him a charming smile and he shook his head. She shrugged and moved out onto the dance floor to let Inias spin her until she looked dizzy.

‘You don’t want to dance?’ Cas asked, nudging Dean with his elbow.

Dean gave a forced smile but shook his head.

‘I’m sorry.’ Castiel straightened up. ‘I forgot. No couple stuff.’ He laughed and Dean wanted to protest, it wasn’t because of that. His mood just seemed to turn sour and before he could lean over and whisper to Cas that they should just get out of here and go back to their room, Balthazar was calling over to him from a few feet away.

‘Come on Cassie!’ He waved his arms at Castiel to get up and join them as he propped himself up on the table, swaying slightly.

Cas shook his head.

‘Go on,’ Dean chimed from beside him. And reluctantly Cas put down his glass and got up to join Balthazar.

Dean watched him. It was nice to see him smile so widely, drunk and swaying his hips. He took Anna’s hand and the pair did a mock tango hold before Balthazar cut in, taking Castiel’s other hand and spinning him.

Dean got up and made his way to the bar. He was sick of wine and needed something stronger. He ordered a Whiskey and sipped it slowly as he leaned against the bar looking out onto the dance floor.

The song changed to something slower but Castiel and Balthazar kept dancing. Cas put his head on Balthazar’s chest and Balthazar rested his chin on Cas. 

Something in Dean snapped. 

His fists balled together, crushing the napkin that was below his fingers and he shot back his drink.

A sudden anger burst through him. He wanted to stride over, push Balthazar away and let him know that Cas was his.

But that made him even angrier because he wasn’t mad at Castiel or Balthazar but his own choices. He had done this to himself. Maybe if he had gotten over his stupid shame and danced with Castiel, moved their hips together and pulled him close as the song got slower, that could have been them and he could have been happy.

No one would care. And he was such an idiot.

He put his glass down. The beautiful song was already transitioning into a conga line but Dean didn’t care. He needed to leave. To be out of this room somewhere where he could breathe.

He pushed his way through the double doors and out into the hotel parking lot.


	11. 11

A gentle knock on the glass startled him. 

Dean had left the hotel in a jealous rage like some jilted lover and got into his car to leave.  But once behind the wheel he realised he was too drunk. He was tired, and the cool, quiet air had already calmed him somewhat. Baby could do that to him. She was his happy place.

He had dozed off and now Castiel was tapping on the glass, gesturing for him to wind down the window.

‘What are you doing out here?’ Cas asked, balancing himself against the car, his eyes squinting in the darkness.

‘Nothing.’ Dean said.

‘Nothing? Dean what’s going on?’

‘I should ask you the same thing.’

Cas sighed and rubbed his eyes.

‘I’m confused... are you coming to bed?’

‘No.’ Dead refused.

‘You going to sleep out here?’

‘Maybe.’

‘Dean just talk to me. Did I do something wrong? Did I make you uncomfortable? I know we said no PDA and I’ve had a few drinks but-’

‘Stop it Cas!’

‘Stop what?’ Castiel stepped back from the car.

Dean said nothing. Just gripped his hands on the wheel and stared straight ahead, contemplating where he could go if he just drove away.

Cas sighed. ‘You need to stop being such a little bitch, Dean.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Tell me what I did so we can discuss this like adults.’

Dean gripped the wheel harder then swiftly stepped out of the car, slamming the door.

‘What was that all about, huh?’

‘You’re drunk Dean. I’m not arguing with you in a random parking lot. This isn’t high school.’

‘Enjoying yourself were you? All cosied up with Balthazar.’

‘Balthazar is my friend.’

‘Looks like more than a friend to me.’

‘I’m confused.’ Cas put his hand up to his temple. ‘I can’t act like your boyfriend but I can’t dance with anyone else?’

‘You were slow dancing Cas.’

‘So? Friends can slow dance Dean. Maybe in your black and white heteronormative world slow dancing means something else but we are just friends.’

‘Sure. So you’ve never slept with him?’

‘Wow. If you wanted to dance with me you should have.’

‘I hate the crowds, Cas, you know that.’

‘And if I was a woman would you have refused to dance too?’

Dean shakes his head and lets out an audible groan.

‘You can’t be jealous Dean. You can’t only want me on your terms.’

‘I'm trying Cas. I’m here aren’t I?’

‘Are you? Because right now you’re sitting out in your car while  _ I’m  _ at a wedding. A wedding I brought you to because I’m not ashamed of you. Because I  _ want  _ to be around you. Because I have feelings for you!’

There. It was said. Floating in the air between them like a putrid smell. And Dean hated it, because months ago it would have made his dick limp, but now it made his heart feel like it was too big for his chest.

But he couldn’t love Cas. Not the way Cas wanted him to.

‘Damn it, Cas!’ He yelled and got back in his car. Without a thought he turned the key in the ignition and drove away.


	12. 12

Cas stumbled back to their room. His eyes streamed the entire way.

Anna and Hester had tried to stop him, asking if he was ok, but he just nodded, smiled and carried on up the corridor.

It was over, he told himself and a small part of him was relieved. It was only a matter of time before Dean got bored or Cas would have wanted more and at least now it was done.

In his anger he aggressively pulled off his clothes, pulling off his shoes and throwing them at the wall. He left his things in a heap, resisting the urge to pick them back up and fold them neatly on his weekend suitcase.

He climbed into bed, turning out the lights and the room seemed to spin in the darkness. He let the tears come, thick sobs that shook his chest and left him breathless.

Exhausted he finally passed out and didn’t rouse again until a body climbed into the bed beside him.

‘Dean?’ Cas whispered.

‘Hey.’ Dean replied, naked and moving under the sheet to join Cas.

Cas reached forward to turn the lamp on. Dean's eyes were puffy and red. But squinted and Cas sat up on his elbows.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Coming to bed.’

Cas sighed.

‘I thought...’ Cas began.

‘Do you want me to go?’

‘No.’ Cas said.

‘Good.’ Dean said and leaned forward to kiss Cas. It was gentle, warm, at first, but then it became faster and rushed, more like Dean. He pulled Castiel’s face closer, his face in his hands, Cas moaned and reached up to hold the back of Dean's neck moving to bring their hips together, Cas moved to lay on top of Dean, taking rough harsh kisses.

Any anger he had left he would take out in kissing, biting and making Dean come so hard he regretted ever being jealous.

‘Shit.’ Cas said. He was sobering but his bladder was so full.

He left the room to relieve himself and when he got back, Dean was sitting at the edge of the bed, his face expressionless.

‘What’s wrong?’ Cas asked.

Dean just shook his head and reached out to take his hands, pulling him over so he stood in front of Dean.

Dean opened his legs so Cas could get closer, leaning down to take Dean's face in his hands and kiss it slowly.

Dean's hands ran up the sides of Castiel’s legs. He dug his fingers into his ass and pulled at the cheeks, his thumbs massaging Castiel’s muscle near his lower back. Dean's hands seemed to grip all over him, moving from legs to ass to back. He pulled away from Cas’s kiss and placed wet, gentle ones over Castiel’s stomach, his upper thighs and around his dick. Dean's thumbs pressed into Castiel’s hips. He kissed over and over before taking Castiel’s almost erect dick in his mouth.

Cas let his head fall back and held onto Dean's head. Dean tightened his grip then, pulling Castiel’s hips towards him. Castiel wanted to thrust hard, and Dean looked up, his wide eyes on Castiel’s. He pulled at Cas harder and Cas began to thrust. Dean stopped his own sucking, just kept his lips open for Cas to move in and out.

Dean groaned against Castiel’s cock and Cas moaned in kind, thrusting harder, almost too aggressively. Dean's hands tightened around his thighs, his eyes watering as Cas hit the back of his throat over and over, every swallowed gag bringing more saliva over his tongue and lips and Cas gasped  _ ‘Dean _ -’ at how slick and dirty it was.

It might have been too aggressive, Cas thought, but he was so close, and Dean kept moaning, his own cock shiny with a thick pearl of precome leaking from its head. It was too much, Dean looking up at him from under those long lashes, letting Cas use his face to fuck harder and harder.

Finally Cas came, holding Dean's head steady and firm in his grasp. Castiel’s cock came out somewhat and Dean tried to swallow what he could but Castiel’s dick hit Dean's cheek and left it, along with his lips coated in his thick white semen.

‘Fuck.’ Dean said. Cas moved to collapse onto the bed. Dean wiped himself down with the sheet, licking his lips and straddling Cas.

‘I’m not done with you yet.’ He warned and all Cas could breathe was  _ ‘Dean-’ _ .

Dean was kissing Cas, sucking his nipples hard, dragging his tongue down his sternum. Dean licked the tip of Castiel’s erection that was slowly calming and his whole body jolted with the sensitivity. Dean laughed.

Then he hooked his fingers under Cas, pulling him over onto his front and then pulling him up onto his knees.

Dean rubbed himself up against Castiel, his dick smooth as it brushed between Castiel’s ass checks.

_ ‘Dean-’  _ Cas moaned again, as Dean placed one hand on Castiel’s shoulder and another firmly holding onto his hip.

Cas moved back, pushing himself against Dean.

‘I need you Cas,’ Dean moaned.

‘Dean,  _ please _ .’

‘You want me to fuck you Cas?’

‘Yes,’ Cas nodded, and turned to watch Dean thrust up against him.

‘Yes what?’

‘Yes, Dean.’ Cas said softly, his brows narrowed as he begged, staring at Dean with that fierce want.

Dean reached for the lube he’d left out on the bedside table, knowing somehow that it would always come to this.

Cas was glad he was still a bit tipsy, as Dean spread lube up and down his solid cock and pressed it straight into Cas.

Castiel gasped, his moans deeper and louder than ever.

Dean tried to go slow, but as soon as his cock was in that hot, tight place he had to thrust. He fucked Castiel hard and fast, pulling back just far enough to slam back into him.

He held Cas’s hips tight and Cas seemed to collapse forward with the pleasure.

‘Oh Dean-’ he kept moaning.

‘Fuck I love you Cas-’ Dean moaned, and neither of them really noticed what he had said.

For a second Cas pondered it, but he was certain Dean meant he loved fucking Cas, the way his body couldn’t seem to move fast enough.

He lasted longer than Cas thought, resolved to show Cas how hard he could go.

Cas let his cheek fall against the bedsheets, letting out a soft murmur every time Dean's dick hit that sensitive spot inside him. He thought he might come again. His body trembled and as Dean pulled Castiel harder onto his cock to hit his hips Dean came.

A long moan left his throat, and he leaned forward to kiss Castiel’s spine. Cas tried to rise onto his elbows, he looked back at Dean, a mess of hair and swollen pink lips.

‘You are so fucking beautiful,’ Dean sighed and he pulled out and climbed forward to collapse next to Cas.

He grabbed a handful of hair and pulled Cas in for another rough kiss.

Satisfied and spent they drifted off to sleep.

####  \---

When Dean woke the next morning he was hard again. He reached over for Cas but he was gone. He sat up, listening to the quiet hum of the shower.

‘Good morning.’ Castiel said as he rinsed shampoo from his hair and Dean stepped into the shower behind him.

‘It will be,’ he breathed, pushing himself up against Cas and running a finger over his wet body to touch his asshole.

Cas moaned and pressed a hand up against the tiles, his head falling forward to let the water fall down his neck and down his back.

Dean pushed a finger inside and Cas still felt open and wet from the night before. He lined up his dick and pushed it straight in.

‘ _ Dean- _ ’ Cas said, over and over with each thrust.

Dean still couldn’t get over it, how much it turned him on. His name fell from Castiel’s lips like a prayer and it was a reminder that Castiel was his and only his.

He thrusted gently, the warm water soothing his muscles and he leaned forward against the wall, his hands just above Castiel’s.

His hips rolled and Cas could feel his body reeling. The g-spot inside his ass suddenly so sensitive with all of the attention it was getting in the last 24 hours. His cock was so hard and as Dean fucked and fucked he could feel himself coming. He didn’t always ejaculate when he came from penetration but it always lasted a longer, his whole body feeling as though it might collapse in on itself. Cas reached up to grip Dean’s wrist and over the noise of the water moaned, ‘come for me, Dean.’ 

He didn’t have to ask twice, Dean came inside him for the second time in that hotel room. As he orgasmed he wrapped one arm tight around Castiel’s torso, and he moaned hard, his mouth against Castiel’s neck.

####  \---

On the drive home they stopped for lunch. Dean wanted pie, on the basis that pie was always necessary.

Cas ate, glad that neither of them were really suffering from a hangover this morning.

‘I’m sorry about last night.’ Cas said.

‘Don’t be.’ Dean shook his head. ‘I’m still glad I came.’

‘Are we good Dean?’ Cas asked.

‘After last night and this morning I would say yes, we’re very good.’

He wondered for a moment if he should have apologised. Dean was the one who got jealous, who left for no reason.

He had wanted to confront him about it last night, to tell him that he couldn’t just leave, then crawl back into bed when he wanted to. 

But the way Dean had looked at him. 

_ ‘I need you Cas,’  _

_ ‘I love you, Cas,’ _

The way he had looked so guilty and torn up and Castiel thought that perhaps Dean would never give him words. No syllables or sentiment. Just actions, like homemade pie and fucking him twice over.

It wasn’t right. It felt crooked somehow, and a small voice reminded Castiel it couldn’t carry on. This was almost a helpful thought. Castiel let some of the anxiety leave him. He realised he was carrying it constantly. 

He couldn’t let his happiness become dependent on Dean, and yet when Dean dropped him off and drove back home he found himself aching.

Not in the post-sex-bliss way. But in the way he wanted Dean to follow him up the garden, come home with him, and just be around. Always.

He shook his head. He had plenty of work he could be getting on with, plenty of things in his life to keep him satisfied and busy until and after the inevitable end.

Cas didn’t ask when he would see Dean again, but it was Monday night, like clockwork. They ate, talked about their days and slowly undressed each other for another night of learning each other’s bodies.

####  \---

Dean stayed three nights that week. 

When his dad caught him on his way out again after picking up a fresh lot of clothes he said, ‘Who is this girl then? Seeing as you’re practically living together?’ 

John had been more sober than usual, Dean had a race that weekend and he hoped John was trying to put in the effort. When he wasn’t drunk, Bobby let him attend the team meetings, let him contribute to their discussions on strategy.

Dean just tried to smirk at the suggestion of a girlfriend. He gave that snort laugh and just said, ‘A gentleman never tells.’ Ducking out the door and getting in his car.

Dean got lunch with Sam who announced he would be coming to Florida to be at Dean's next race.

‘That’s amazing Sam.’

‘I’m bringing Jessica.’ He said. ‘Maybe the three of us could do something together, or the four of us?’ He looked up from under his long bangs.

‘Four of us?’

‘You’re seeing someone, aren’t you?’

‘What gave you that idea?’

‘You’ve been in a much better mood recently when you come to pick me up. You went away last weekend and didn’t tell anyone what you were doing. Bobby says you’re always rushing off at the end of your shift,  _ and _ ,’ he emphasised as if it was his pièce de résistance, ‘you’re always humming.’

‘Humming?’ Dean laughed. ‘You’re in law school and your argument is  _ humming _ ?’

‘Dean you’ve been humming this entire time.’

Dean looked up at Sam, his mouth full.

‘It’s the pie!’

Sam shook his head. ‘Bobby says you’ve been doing it at work, you’ve been doing it in the car with me. You only hum like this when you’re consistently getting laid and you're happy about it.’

‘Ok! Ok,’ Dean held up his hands. ‘My private life is my own.’

‘I know.’ Sam said. ‘I just thought maybe you would bring them to the race and maybe I could meet them.’

‘There’s no one Sammy.’ He lied. ‘No one.’

Sam just shrugged, sighing and went back to his own slice of pie.

####  \---

After meeting so many of Castiel’s old colleagues, Dean tried to bring up his past more. Asking Castiel about what the army was like and why he left.

‘It’s complicated, Dean.’ Cas sighed, reluctant to discuss it.

‘Did you go to war?’

‘Yes.’ Cas sighed. 

‘Where?’

‘I spent some time in Bosnia and Iraq.’

‘Shit.’ Dean looked away. ‘Did you ever shoot anyone?’

‘Yes.’

Castiel offered another beer to Dean from the fridge and he nodded.

‘You ever kill anyone?’

‘Yes.’

Dean paused.

‘And you never slept with any of them?’

‘Not this again Dean.’ Cas moved to clear their dishes.

‘I’m not jealous, I’m just curious!’ He laughed, giving a wink.

Cas sighed.

‘No. I never slept with any of them.’

‘Did they know you were gay?’

‘If I had come out I would have been discharged, so no, not until I left.’

‘Did you know there were others that were gay?’

‘I suspected it. I heard things. But you didn’t ask stuff like that.’

‘Fair enough.’

Dean came to stand against the counter so he could watch Cas wash up the dishes.

‘So no one at all?’

Castiel paused.

‘Well... I slept with Anna once.’

‘Really?’ Dean almost spat out his beer.

‘ _ No! _ ’ Castiel flicked suds at him. ‘If you must know, I was going through it. Sex wasn’t really on my mind.’

‘What was?’

Cas rolled his eyes and handed Dean a wet plate to dry.

‘Staying alive.’

That ended the conversation for a while until they were in bed together.

‘So are you coming to my race this weekend?’

‘I don’t know...’ Cas sighed. ‘I might be busy.’

‘ _ Really _ _?_ ’

Cas shrugged then let a cheeky grin spread over his face.

‘Jerk.’ Dean said.

‘You want me to come?’

‘Always and in every sense.’ Dean joked.

‘Ok.’ Cas decided.

And Dean moved closer to put his head on Castiel’s chest.

‘When did you decide you wanted to be a driver?’ Cas asked.

Dean thought about it. Thought about all the motorsport he watched as a kid.

‘I think I was eight, maybe nine. My dad took Sam and I to Daytona. The race I’m doing this weekend.’

Cas brought his fingers up to comb through Dean's hair.

‘He had put some money on a car to win. The odds weren’t great but he had some hunch. It was the first time the three of us had done anything fun since my mom died. Anyway, it was a great day, the car won, and the joy on my dad's face as those cars crossed the finish line was just incredible. I’d never seen him so happy since my mom, maybe not even before. I just remember him picking Sam and I up, and cheering so loudly and holding us so tightly, I never wanted it to end.’

Dean moved his thigh to drape it over Castiel’s legs.

‘I just knew. Even back then, how sad my dad was. How he was a broken shell of a man who barely saw us. But that day, he was my dad again. And I just wanted to be one of those drivers, to be the reason for my dad's joy like that.’

Castiel felt his eyes water. He wanted to tell Dean to stop. That he wasn’t responsible for anyone’s happiness but his own, that he had Cas and Cas would never hurt him, never make him feel not good enough or unloved. Cas would follow him through every fire, cheer him on at every race. Cas could be his safe mooring.

But he didn’t say it, just kissed the top of Dean's head and hoped that on some level he already knew it.


	13. 13

Dean could hardly sit still. 

He passed his gloves from hand to hand and paced about the pits. It was a glorious sunny day, the turnout was incredible. John was here, Sam was here and somewhere out in the crowds Cas was too, spurring him on. 

He desperately wanted to do well. He had waited so long to even get to this point. An overwhelming feeling had come over him, like he was standing on a precipice. 

On the Friday morning he had set out to drive the almost nineteen hours from Lawrence to Daytona Beach for the race on Sunday, refusing to fly.

But that Thursday night he had laid in bed awake until the early hours. He kept thinking about how hard his bed felt and how empty it seemed and how the room just smelled like musty old clothes and that the carpet hadn’t seen a vacuum in months. 

He cleaned Castiel’s place sometimes, the pair of them going around at the end of the day, wiping and straightening and polishing. Dean didn’t mind it. He loved helping Cas maintain his home, we always wanted to be there. 

He should leave. He should move in with Castiel. He knew Castiel wouldn’t argue, probably wouldn’t even charge him, he would just slowly let Dean stay more and more until all his things were there and he never went back to John’s house. 

He should make Castiel his boyfriend, he should commit, he should admit how he felt. He already knew Castiel had feelings for him, he couldn’t forget how it had spilled out of his mouth and hit Dean, like an arrow to the chest. He loved the way it sounded and hated what it meant. 

But his business was his business, right? He didn’t need to come out or declare who he was. Sam wouldn’t care and if anyone else said anything about his ‘boyfriend’ he could just shrug it off. So what? What does it matter?

John was the only person he could imagine actually having a problem with it. Actually pulling Dean aside and telling him he wasn’t the son he raised and Dean would laugh at that, hard, because John hadn’t raised him at all. 

But he could win this race. He could give John that joy, and hope that in the future when he remembered Dean he would remember this. And not his shame. 

John probably wouldn’t even care if he moved out. He would notice of course, but care? But the sudden image of John passed out on the couch, living alone, unable to pay the bills in a place with no water or electricity, the gas company cutting him off- 

Dean shook his head. He couldn’t do it. 

And he tried once again to think about the race before him. 

####  \---

Dean’s qualifying lap was one of his best yet, and he was starting fourth, so far at the top of the grid. 

Cas looked on, from a better seat this time, closer to the track. His hands fumbled nervously the whole time, his gaze didn’t watch the battles for first, or the crashes that happened in the back, he only watched Dean. His dark car was decorated with bright sponsors as it moved swiftly around the track again and again. 

Before Castiel knew it there were only a few laps left to go. Dean had pulled his way up to second, passing the others in front of him with smooth precision. The crowd was alive, the engines were roaring. 

_ Only four laps left... _

_ Three... _

_ Two... _

Then on the last lap something happened. Dean's car ran a little too wide, and as he steered to come further back onto the track his car turned and he hit the wall, taking the car behind him out too. 

Castiel was on his feet, everyone looked on as the two cars collided, continued to move along the track and then slowed to a stop.

The race was over. They were calling the winners but all Cas could think about was Dean. Neither car moved. 

Once every car had passed, the stewards were on the track, swarming about the crash, Cas noticed an ambulance drive toward them from nowhere. 

_ Dean, _ Cas willed, was all Cas could think about. Dean,  _ do something _ . Wave. Step out of the car.  _ Show me you’re ok _ . 

He imagined losing Dean a lot of ways. To his clinginess, to another woman, to a better opportunity. But never like this. 

Castiel struggled to breathe. 

The other driver climbed out of his car, waving up at the spectators as he pulled off his helmet, clearly fine. 

Castiel wanted to be relieved and cheer with the crowd around him but he couldn’t. 

The other driver didn’t bother with the ambulance, just walked slowly to the medical tent that waited for him. 

There were more stewards around Dean's car now. They seemed to have the door open. Castiel heard someone behind him say to their partner, ‘do you think they have to cut him out?’

‘He hit that wall pretty hard. He might already be-’

Castiel blocked it out. He was going to be sick. All he could do was watch uselessly as Dean’s body was pulled from his car and put into the ambulance. 

It’s lights flashing, it sped off out of sight. 


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I woke today (6.11.20) to post this chapter to DESTIEL TRENDING WTF ?!?! I haven't seen the full episode but I'm aware of THAT SCENE. I have a lot of feelings and the season isn't even over yet !?  
> It may be a spoiler but I just want to preface this chapter with the fact that none of the characters in this fic go to hell after confessing their gay love - so if that's what you came for I'm sorry :'D  
> Also PS thank you for the comments. I love a bit of drama in my fanfiction so I'm glad y'all are enjoying it! To be nice I'm posting two chapters today! And an fyi, this fic is already finished so I promise you won't be left hanging.  
> \--

Castiel began to move.

He didn’t know what he was doing but he was on his feet and pushing his way through the crowd. They were cheering the winners and cameras were huddled around the driver Dean had hit, hounding him about what had happened. 

When he was out of the stands he ran through the venue, past the vendors, more spectators and food carts until he was in the parking lot. 

He jumped for the first taxi he could see and practically shouted at the driver to take him to the nearest hospital ASAP.

He whispered a silent prayer that they would take Dean to the nearest medical centre and that he would be able to find him. He couldn't stop his legs from fidgeting as the driver kept to the speed limit.

The cab was barely stopped when he threw a wad of notes at the driver and began walking briskly into the ER. 

He didn’t bother with reception, he wasn’t family so he doubted they would give him any information. He moved down corridors, peering into rooms he seemed dizzy with the speed at which his head spun back and forth, scanning beds and faces. 

He reached a room near the end of a corridor and he recognised a face that looked like Sam Winchester, his dark hair, messy around his ears. 

His legs took him through the door and Dean was there, sat up in a bed, his beautiful grin laughing at something the man next to him had said. 

‘Dean-’ Was all Castiel could say. He suddenly felt sick again. 

Sam stood next to the bed but a few paces back, uncrossed his arms in surprise and gave Castiel the most confused expression. 

Dean looked up too, his smile dropping. The man who sat beside him, had Sam's dark eyes but Dean’s easy smile, and just peered at Cas with a blank expression.

‘Professor Novak?’ Sam finally said. His eyes narrowing on Cas, then looking back at forth from him to Dean. 

Castiel couldn’t speak. Dean gave him a wide eyed look, then schooled his expression. 

‘Do I... know you?’ Dean asked, looking at Cas like he was a stranger. 

‘I - I -’ Cas was still out of breath. ‘Sorry,’ He said quickly, ‘I was at the race. I’m one of Sam’s teachers I just thought I’d ...’ he trailed off, knowing what he was saying made no sense. 

Dean gave him a pained look, like he should leave and he began backing up. 

‘That’s really kind, teach.’ Sam said, but he still had a puzzled look on his face.

‘Just a concussion,’ Dean smiled politely, like he was talking to a fan. 

‘Dean’ll be racing again in no time!’ The man who he assumed now was John Winchester said. 

Castiel nodded again. 

‘Great. I’ll leave you to it.’ Cas said, forcing his head down and quickly left the room, Dean’s words ringing in his ears. 

_ ‘Do I know you?’ _


	15. 15

After Castiel left, Dean gave Sam and his Dad some compulsory baffled looks. 

‘He’s a really nice guy...’ Sam mumbled, like that might explain why Castiel had just barged into the room and done nothing but stare at Dean. 

‘Must be a smart guy if he’s also a NASCAR fan,’ John joked. Trying to make polite small-talk with Sam who had hardly offered two words to the guy. 

‘Anyway,’ Dean hastily changed the subject, ‘You don’t need to worry Dad. You can go.’

‘I don’t want to.’ John shook his head, and he reached for Dean's hands. 

‘It’s been so long since I was in a room with both of my boys.’

Sam sighed. 

‘I thought I had lost you there kid.’

‘Oh  _ come on _ .’ Dean laughed, trying to shake the pit in his stomach that had formed there when Castiel showed up. ‘I’m tougher than that.’

Sam laughed. ‘Dean will live forever just out of pure stubbornness.’

And as John and Sam gave each other a small smile, Dean thought he might cry. Tears of joy for his brother and father. And tears of sadness for what he had just done to Castiel. 

It could have been so easy. He could have corrected Sam. Announced that actually Castiel was here to see him, with every right to be, because he was everything to Dean. His best friend, his lover, the reason he pushed so hard for a win. The need to make his father proud was slowly being eclipsed by the need to show Cas that he wasn’t totally weak, that he wasn’t useless and he was worth being with.

Not that Cas would ever say or think anything like that. It was  _ Cas _ . So kind and calm and considerate. 

Dean thought about all the ways they didn’t speak, never actually admitting their feelings, and yet Castiel stocked the fridge with extra bacon when Dean started staying more so he always had something for breakfast. He washed clothes that Dean would forget at his place. He bought Dean an extra toothbrush and kept it there for him and kept coffee and whiskey in the cupboard even though Cas drank neither. 

He never asked him to come out. Never asked him to talk about his emotions. Never judged his relationship with his father. When Dean did ask about Castiel’s work he didn’t dumb it down, didn’t hold back. He spoke to Dean like he would talk to colleagues or Sam, probably, and he never thought of him as just a mechanic. 

Castiel had admitted his feelings for Dean and never asked for more. 

Dean could have told Sam and John the truth and if John had a problem Sam would have been there by his side to defend him. 

‘I mean it boys.’ John continued. ‘When you hit that wall, Dean. All I could think was that I was going to lose another son.’

He shook his head and looked down in his lap. 

‘I don’t want that anymore. Sam I want you back in my life. Dean I want you to stop taking care of me.’

Dean went to speak but John just shook his head. 

‘I’ve been going to AA meetings. I’m not totally off the wagon yet but I’m trying. You deserve better Dean. You too Sam.’ 

John looked up to find Sam's eyes, and Sam reluctantly let him continue speaking. 

‘I don’t know how you both got so damn smart but I want to put this behind me. I want to be at every race Dean. Sober and supporting the team. I wanna see you graduate Sammy.’

John took Dean's hand and reached out to take Sams. Sam shook his head but he smiled. 

Dean was crying now. Overwhelmed by his father's words, the ache in his head and neck, the sick feeling in his stomach. 

_ How could he tell John the truth now? _ When he was trying so hard, and he was so proud of him. He couldn’t disappoint him. Dean took the small thought of coming out and safely locked it away. He might never consider it again. 


	16. 16

_You are such a fool_. 

The words echoed over and over in Castiel’s mind as he left the hospital. 

_Do I know you?_

He forgot about checking into his motel and got a ride straight to the airport and sat waiting for the next flight back to Kansas City.

_You absolute, delusional fool._

He rubbed hard at the tears which streamed from his eyes. Swallowing back sobs the best he could. 

_What was he thinking?_

That Dean would smile and be happy to see him and tell him he didn’t need to worry and that all he needed was kisses from Cas and he’d feel better. 

_Fool!_ Cas yelled at himself, slamming his fist on his legs. 

For a brief moment he hoped it was true, that maybe Dean's head injury was actually more severe and he genuinely didn't remember Cas. But the look that flashed over Dean's face, the confusion and fear before he composed himself, that gave it all away.

He didn’t want to think about how mad Dean must have been. How mortified and embarrassed he looked. The hot blush came over Castiel’s cheeks again. 

He was so angry at Dean. At himself. At the whole thing. 

What a joke he had made himself out to be. He had let himself fall for this selfish jackass. He had let Dean use him, and fuck him and give him just enough hope to think that maybe... maybe he could change. 

He hadn’t tried to change Dean, he didn’t want Dean to change, he just wanted him to get over his shame. And maybe Cas could show him something different, help him be able to come out, even if not for Castiel but for himself, because sometimes it seemed like it was killing him. He knew it was fruitless but a small part of him hoped. A tiny, dark corner of his heart ached for Dean to be his. Only his.

To hold his hand in the grocery store and kiss him out to dinner and stand in the pits, with his team and close friends and hold him so tightly when he stepped out of the car elated, another win under his belt. 

This was the problem with letting Dean into his world. Everything was perfect within their own kingdom they built. 

But Cas had no place in Dean’s life.

#### \---

Castiel spent the next day in bed, barely able to bring himself to go to the bathroom. He just wanted to sleep and forget about how he’d let Dean wash over him then wring him out. 

He called in sick at work and went through the motions of picking up the phone to call Dean and apologise but put it down again. If Dean wanted to see him again, he would. The key was always there and sure enough, a week later when Castiel was actually showering again and preparing to go back to work the next day, Dean showed up in the early hours, stomping through the house. Cas sat up, half asleep. 

‘Cas!’ Dean yelled and Cas pulled on a sweater and rushed downstairs to find a drunk Dean, dark circles under his eyes, gripping the bottle of whiskey Cas kept in for him. 

There was blood on his Henley and on his knuckles like maybe he’d been in a fight. 

‘ _What the hell, Cas?!_ ’ He shouted. His arms spread wide, waiting for a response. 

‘I’m sorry Dean.’ Was all Cas said, his eyes wide, his deep frown boring into Dean. 

‘You’re sorry?! Is that it?’ Dean shook his head and took another bottle. 

‘I didn’t think.’

‘Clearly!’

‘I was worried.’

‘In front of my family Cas. What, you thought you could come and out me under the guise of caring about my safety?’

‘The only reason I went to the hospital was to see if you were alive and ok. I don’t care about that Dean, you know I don’t.’ Cas kept his voice steady, knowing as soon as he raised it to shout he would unintentionally cry too. 

‘Well apology not accepted.’ Dean shook his head. 

‘I expected as much.’

Dean said nothing. Just sighed and put his face in his hands. Cas could see he was in deep pain and wanted to reach out and touch him. 

He suddenly groaned, loud and exasperated. 

And as if by some sudden change of heart he said, ‘Fuck. Cas. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’ He stepped forward to reach for Cas but he stepped back. ‘I know. I’m so stupid. I accept your apology, of course I do. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry-’

Cas stepped back again.

‘Cas?’ Dean breathed, reaching out further and finally grabbing Cas’s shoulders. He brought rough kisses down onto Cas’s lips and cheeks and throat and for a second Cas wanted it. Wanted to sink back and let Dean have him. 

‘Can we just forget it?’ Dean moaned, his hands in Cas’s hair and Castiel’s body went cold. 

Cas stepped back again and he pushed Dean off of him, not hard, but with enough force to shock him. 

‘No, Dean.’

‘Cas...’

‘We can’t.’

‘Cas don’t be like that.’ Dean stepped forward again, swaying with how drunk he was and Cas moved to the other side of the dining table. 

‘I can’t do this anymore Dean.’

Cas wasn’t sure where the sudden urge of strength came from, usually just the sight of Dean reaching out for him made every muscle shiver.

But not this time. 

What had he _actually_ done wrong? Dean had forgiven him, but for _what_? Caring about his safety? Wanting to protect him?

Cas had apologised for putting him in an awkward position. He would never out anyone for his own selfish desires. But beyond that, all he had done was love Dean. 

And Dean acted like he didn’t even know him. Like he was a stranger. 

He could have covered in a way that hurt less. Said that Cas was a friend, a fan he’d met before. Granted Cas probably looked like he’d seen a ghost but who wouldn’t? After watching someone hit a wall at almost 200mph. 

It was all just too pathetic. Too repetitive. 

In the week that had passed Cas was slowly coming to terms with the end of their relationship, and now here Dean was again. Wanting to act like nothing happened. Just so he could fuck Cas and leave? 

‘No, Dean.’ Cas said. Enough was enough. ‘Just leave.’

‘Are you serious?’ Dean gave a comically confused expression. 

‘It’s over Dean.’

‘Cas-’

‘Just go.’ 

‘Cas don’t do this.’ Dean stepped forward again and sunk down on his knees, looking up at Castiel, his bright green eyes so beautiful Cas began to cry.

He didn’t want Dean to beg. He shook his head and left the room, leaving Dean alone. 

Shortly after he heard the back door slam and the next morning he moved the key. 


	17. 17

Dean had been drinking at the Roadhouse, avoiding everyone that tried to congratulate him on his quick recovery and wanted to wish him luck for the next one. 

He slipped back into mechanical Dean. 

He wanted to speak to Cas, to understand what on earth he had been thinking but the radio silence made him feel like Cas didn’t care. Like Dean had just stepped a little too far and lost Cas forever.

_ Do I know you? _

He felt sick just thinking about it. Castiel was scared senseless of what had happened to Dean, it was all over his face. 

Dean himself had thought the same when he saw that wall coming towards him, the way the wheel seemed to slip from his hands and he was turning, but before he could even blink everything was black. And he had come around in a hospital bed with nothing but a concussion and a few bruises.

He had been so lucky. It could have been so much worse. He could have died. And yet a part of him felt like he was dead.

Cas could disagree over and over but Dean was stupid, every choice he made was a blade in the side of someone he cared for. He could never make it up to Cas, he didn't know if should even try. Cas was so kind and understanding and supportive and deserved so much better than Dean. 

So he threw himself back into his work, avoiding thoughts of Cas with alcohol and engines and tinkering until he was dead on his feet.

Gordon and Benny ambled up to him and sat at his table.

‘We hear you have an admirer?’ Benny laughed lightheartedly. 

‘An obsessed fan?’ Gordon agreed, with a little more antagonism in his voice.

Dean just took another sip and shook his head. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘We heard some distressed guy came running to your bedside, he was there before Bobby even.’

Dean just shook his head again and looked away.

‘You got a secret friend you’re not telling us about?’ Benny asked. 

It was just playful, Dean knew that, banter. Benny wasn’t a bad guy. But for some reason when him and Gordon were together and they’d had a few drinks, Gordon’s annoying taunts seemed to rub off onto him too.

Dean could feel the heat on his face.

‘Are you blushing? Look at you! So happy you have a fan!’

‘Better keep a watch out for that one.’ Benny agreed.

‘Yeah he might get too obsessed and try and get extra friendly if you catch my drift-’

Gordon’s words were suddenly cut off by Dean’s fist coming down so hard on the table that all of their drinks slipped, Benny’s beer bottle falling over and sloshing onto the table.

Charlie and Jo looked over from the booth near them, and stared at Dean.

‘Hey brother-’ Benny began but Dean was getting to his feet.

Ellen’s voice seemed to ring out from behind the bar like she could see exactly where this was going, ‘Dean!’

Gordon stood up too and the pair faced off.

‘Why so defensive? What, you gay or something-’

The word was barely out of his mouth when Dean’s fist collided with Gordons jaw.

Adrenaline, like when he was behind the wheel, raced through his body and it felt good, he wanted to fight, to hit someone.

Gordon threw one back quickly before Benny got his arms around his chest and pulled him back.

‘Enough!’ Jo and Ellen were both shouting, and Dean’s nose was dripping blood. He wanted to move forward again but Chalie just put her hands on his chest, pulling his gaze from Gordon, and then she was tugging his arm out of the door.

In the cool air he tried to calm. He bent over and put his hands on his thighs.

‘What was that about?’ Charlie asked.

‘Nothing. Forget it.’

‘Dean-’ Charlie moved forward, using the bottom of her sleeve to wipe at his face. ‘Pinch your nose.’

Dean obeyed, and Charlie continued to dab.

‘It might be broken.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘What’s going on with you?’ She asked.

‘Nothing.’

‘Yeah it looked like nothing.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘You can talk to me Dean.’

‘Gordon was just being a dick.’

‘Ding dong Dean, that's just him! Usually you just laugh along.’

‘He shouldn’t say shit like that…’

‘Why? Because being gay is such an insult?’

‘Charlie I didn’t mean-’

‘You need to go home, put some ice on your face and drink some water.’ 

Dean shook his head.

The stream of nerves was still racing through him and he wanted to move, to do something. He began backing away from Charlie.

‘Where are you going?’ She called.

But he didn’t respond, just got in his car and drove to Castiel’s place.

He let himself in, hoping that Cas would hear him out, that they could talk. But his strangled cries had come out as yells. His whole being was just anger. Anger at everything and everyone and anger that the anger wouldn’t stop.

He needed Cas to calm him, the way he had before. To be the still to his chaos. His safe mooring.

But it was too late and this time, Castiel turned him away.

A few days later he tried to call, just to talk, he pleaded, but Cas was tired of speaking.

####  \---

More days went by and when Dean kept texting, asking to meet, apologising, Cas eventually just replied with another:

**_CASTIEL: Dean, stop. It’s over._ **

Weeks went by and the more Cas thought about it, he hated how he had hidden Dean. How he had begun to live like back when he was in the army. A facade of a person on the outside and a different person entirely on the inside. 

As if in spite, Cas decided to be even more what Dean would hate. He went back to Dorothy’s frequently, getting drunk and writhing up against anyone who offered. He flirted with the bartenders, he put a rainbow bumper sticker on his car and a flag in his pen holder at work. 

He continued to leave Dean's calls unanswered. Deleted his texts unread. 

He was an army man. He could do anything, even get over Dean, it just took some discipline. 

When Dean knocked on his back door at three am he called the cops. When Dean actually waltzed into Dorothy’s one night, head high and hands in his pockets to walk straight up to Cas, he ignored him. 

‘Damn it, Cas!’ He yelled, to the concerned looks of the people around them. 

Cas let a tall drag queen put her arm around him and lead him away, giving Dean a death stare as she did. She offered him a tissue as he sobbed in the bathroom. 

Two days later, even after multiple showers he still had glitter in his hair and it made him suddenly happy. 


	18. 18

The semester was nearing an end and Castiel poured himself into his reading, his research. He made himself extra available to his students who were doing big projects. Offering meetings to discuss their ideas with him that he found he really enjoyed. 

Before he always felt a bit anxious dealing with students one on one. Somehow a lecture was like a battlefield and 200 students at once he could lead fine but that moment they became vulnerable with him, he struggled. 

Of course he wanted to shoulder all of their burdens, their exam stress, their personal lives that made being at college an added challenge. But he pushed himself to listen harder, to search for extra resources and offer tips and suggestions of direction when he could. 

He couldn’t change their exam dates or tell them what to write about, but he could reassure them that if they needed to take some time off and come back next semester they could. That college wasn’t a jail and he would help them in any way to make their experience the most comfortable, make it work for them. 

He had been dreading it, but finally Sam Winchester knocked on his door. 

‘Hello Sam.’

‘Hey.’ Sam gave a small wave. 

Castiel gestured to the seat opposite him. 

‘How are you doing?’

Sam talked for a generous amount of time about the work. Castiel was relieved to hear that his ideas and arguments sounded well thought out, detailed and researched. He was certain Sam was going to do incredibly well and he was glad to hear that some of the things he had taught about had resonated with him. 

Sam went quiet after a while and said, ‘I’m thinking about transferring.’

‘Courses or colleges?’

‘Colleges.’

‘Oh.’ Cas said, his frown growing deeper. 

Immediately Sam began to rush to explain himself. 

‘It’s not you! Or any of the faculty here. It’s not that I’m not happy here, I am. It’s just... last year I got offered a spot at Stanford.’ 

Castiel nodded. He knew that Stanford was distinctly more prestigious than Kansas State. 

Sam looked down at his hands. ‘I didn’t take it because well... I thought my brother needed me. He takes care of our dad because I refuse to and I know that’s harsh but I have to live my own life, he’s an adult for Christ’s sake... But I still wanted to be around, at least so my brother had someone to lean on if need be but he’s got so much of his own stuff going on and our Dad is finally doing better... I just...’

Sam looked out the window unsure, up at the books that lined the shelves. 

‘I just feel like I gotta do what’s best for me. And Stanford has offered to let me transfer... I mean I would be stupid to turn them down again, right?’

‘You’re an incredibly intelligent student Sam.’ Castiel said. ‘You would fit in well there. They would be lucky to have you.’

Sam gave a little smile, looking at Castiel and back down and his fingers. 

‘So you think I should go?’

‘I can’t make your choice Sam. But by asking the question, considering it for the second time. I think you’ve already made your decision.’

Sam nodded. 

‘We can only help people that want to be helped.’ Castiel says without thinking. ‘After that, we have to take care of ourselves first.’

Sam looked up and gave Cas another small smile and nod. His face looked a lot more relaxed. 

‘California isn’t Europe.’

Sam let out a small laugh at that, and his eyes flicked to the desk, over the flag in between Castiel’s markers. 

‘Professor?’ Sam begins again. ‘Was something going on, between you and my brother?’

Castiel’s eyes widened, caught off guard. He hoped he wasn't blushing. He hesitated, unsure what to say, and in that hesitation he somehow confirmed everything. 

Sam nodded.

‘No...’ Cas says. ‘He was just... a friend.’ 

He can see Sam wanted to protest, but he also wanted to be polite and not make it awkward. 

‘It’s none of my business.’ He said.

Cas sighs. 

‘Thanks for the meeting, Castiel. This has been really helpful.’

‘You’re welcome.’ 

And Sam gathered the books on his lap, got up and left, closing the door behind him. 

####  \---

Sam and Dean sat in the diner again.

Dean was clearly restless, not his usual ‘delightful’ self. But he was on his second slice of pie and Sam thought now might be the best time to broach the subject, while he was riding that sugar and pastry high.

‘So as you know I have some exams coming up...’ Sam said.

Dean nodded, not looking up from his plate.

‘And I’m pretty sure I’m going to ace them...’

‘No need to brag, Sammy.’

‘Dean I think I’m going to transfer next semester.’

‘Transfer what?’

‘Colleges... I think I’m going to finish my degree at Stanford.’

‘Stanford? I thought you turned them down?’ Dean put his fork down and looked up at Sam confused.

‘Well I did. But only because I wanted to stay here, in case you needed me. What with dad...’

‘You and Dad don’t talk.’

‘That’s not my fault.’

‘So now you want to move to Stanford?’

‘Well it just seems like, you’re mostly doing well here and Dad is doing better and... It’s what I want.’

‘Right...’

‘It’s a better school and I think I would really be able to excel there.’

‘Ok...’

‘Jess agrees, my friends too. My professors think I should do it.’

‘Wait your professors think you should go?’

‘Well I discussed it with Castiel-’

Dean tried not to react to the name and said nothing.

‘Dean, I know you know who he is.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘I mean every time I bring up the hospital you act as confused as me, but he was scared Dean. He looked at you like... like...’

‘That’s enough Sam.’

‘Dean I don’t care about who you-’

‘Enough!’ Dean stood up, hitting his fists on the table. He threw down some bills and paced out of the diner.

Sam followed as quickly as he could as Dean walked fast to his car.

‘Dean, wait!’

Dean turned, almost causing Sam to fall into him, coming to a stop.

‘What did he tell you Sam? Because it’s a lie. It’s all lies!’

‘Nothing Dean!’

Dean turned around again and walked to the car.

‘He told you to leave huh?’ Dean said, opening the car door. ‘He tell you you could do better than here? Than Dad and I?’

‘Dean-’

Dean slid into the car and Sam scrambled to climb in with him before he drove off.

Dean was out of the parking lot in seconds, his foot a little too heavy on the gas.

‘Where are we going?’  Sam asked as they drove in the opposite direction of his place.  ‘Dean just slow down!’

They pulled up out front of a house Sam didn't recognise.

Dean was out of the car in a blur, speeding up the front steps and banging on the front door. Sam followed apprehensively.

When Castiel opened the door Dean pushed his way inside.

‘Dean.’ Cas said.

‘I’m so sorry Dr Novak.’ Sam said from the front porch.

‘Oh, hello Sam.’ Castiel followed Dean into the kitchen and reluctantly Sam followed too.

Dean was pouring a drink. As always.

‘What the hell, Cas?’ Dean said again the same intonation as the last night he showed up and let himself in. ‘Is this some kind of dig, to get back at me?’

‘Dean I have no idea why you’re here.’

Sam hovered in the kitchen doorway, reluctant to move anymore into the confrontation.

‘You think you can get back at me by convincing my brother to leave town? You think he’s better than me? Is that it?’

Castiel sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.

‘Dean, Sam is an incredible student. He can go to school wherever he wants.’

‘What so he should just go? And what about you?’

‘What about me?’

‘Are you going too?’

‘Dean I’m confused.’

‘Are you leaving? Are you going to leave? First Sam and then you.’ Dean sits down at the kitchen table.

‘Is this some kind of excuse to speak to me? Some pretend anger about your brother leaving, that it somehow my fault?’

Dean shook his head.

‘Dean we should go.’ Sam said.

‘Is this what you wanted?’ Dean asks. ‘Castiel, this is Sam, my brother. Sam this is Castiel, my ex-’ Dean gestured between the two at the introduction

‘Dean-’

‘No!’ Dean holds up a hand. ‘You want me to tell him I was staying here? Sleeping with you? Is that it? Well there we are!’

Sam gave Cas an awkward, apologetic look and Cas tried to give back the same.

‘You won’t return my calls. You wipe yourself clean of me, I get it. But out to me to my brother? Did it feel good?’

‘Dean!’ Sam raised his voice now. ‘Castiel never said a word. He even tried to deny it.’

Cas looked away. Then he turned back to get the whiskey and poured himself a glass.

‘There are too many Winchester’s in my kitchen,’ he mumbled.

He downed the whiskey and poured another glass. The room was silent. Cas let out a sigh, turning back to face Dean.

‘What do you want Dean?’

Dean said nothing.

‘You come barging into my house with some bullshit excuse to argue, for what? You want to argue? We’ve done that. We always end up back in the same place.’

Dean looks down.

He knows Cas is right though. The small mention of Cas by Sam made his blood boil and not just with anger. Anger coated in deep yearning. He wanted Cas back in his life so badly. He had drunk and worked and put his fist through walls and started fights at the roadhouse. He was just lashing out because he could. It was all pointless and meaningless because all he wanted to was to be with Cas.

Why was he  _ still  _ denying it? Even just minutes ago with Sam in the diner.

It was too heavy. Dead weight crushing him.

‘I can’t help you Dean.’ Cas said. ‘I want to make you happy, I do. But I don’t think you want to be.’

‘I do.’ Dean said. ‘I do, with you. Cas just give me another chance.’

Sam had gone to sit out on the staircase in the hallway, giving them some privacy.

‘I don’t know Dean...’

‘I need you Cas, remember? We’re night and day. I’ll change. I can show you.’

Dean got up to walk over to Cas. Cas raised a hand as if to say _far enough_ and Dean didn’t try to reach out.

‘They’re just words Dean.’

Dean shook his head.

‘Not anymore. Just one chance to start over?’

Castiel was still hesitant, he looked up and found Dean’s green eyes. They seemed like they were always changing. Some days as bright as grass and other days yellow, like the colours in autumn.

‘There’s too much noise Cas. I need the silence.’

And with those words, and thick tears falling down Dean’s cheeks, Cas let Dean drop his head forward to rest on top of Castiel’s.

They held each other for a little while and finally Cas let go and Sam and Dean left.


	19. 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> I decided to post the last two chapters at the same time because they could have probably been 1, lol. But anyway, I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who read this as it went up daily and anyone reading it now that it's all posted! Your comments/reactions continue to get me through this fucked up year.  
> Also I genuinely can't believe that when I finished writing this in Oct that I would be posting it in Nov and meanwhile the SPN fandom is ON FIRE. If you wanna come chat Destiel with me on tumblr please do because OMG THAT CONFESSION *my heart explodes*  
> Anyway thanks again for the kudos, it means so much! Hope you enjoy this ending.  
> xx

A week later Castiel still hadn’t given Dean an answer. But finally he text him.

**_CASTIEL: No promises. Just one chance. Nothing more._ **

Moments later Dean replied.

**_DEAN: I want to make you promises, Cas. But I’ll start with a drink._ **

#### \---

Cas found Dean propping up the bar in Dorothy’s.

‘Hello Dean.’ He said, looking exactly like he had that first night, trench coat and all.

Cas had stewed all day. Wondering if it was worth it, to give Dean another chance. Of course every part of his body wanted to. The physical intimacy was always good, strong and loving, even when it was so casual. His body ached to touch Dean again. 

But his heart. His heart knew that Castiel was still somewhat in love with Dean. The part of him who wanted to talk to Cas for hours on end about Sammy and ask Cas all about the books he was reading even if they were mostly on Law and Ethics and that little frown he made when he tried to keep up with what Cas was explaining made him weak. A part of Dean had wanted to be at his side, to spend every moment they could together and even take care of his home with him. 

The bond they shared seemed indelible, that he and Dean could never stop their lives twisting toward one another. Like his love for Dean could bring him back from the dead, and every warning sign was part of it. Everytime Dean pushed him, he had stepped a little further, knowing full well what he was getting himself into. 

But now it was over and he went to meet with Dean on the basis that he would not let him back into his life so easily. Discipline, he reminded himself. 

Dean ordered Cas a cocktail and they chatted and laughed and even danced. It was easy and they let themselves smile.

They only talked about the simple stuff. Dean’s racing, Castiel’s work. They talked about desserts and alcohol and the most embarrassing things they had done while drunk and there was flirting, of course, it _was_ Dean Winchester but he tried not to force it, making jokes only when they came naturally.

They went home separately, on the excuse that Dean was a perfect gentleman.

‘You know I’m not an innocent lady,’ Cas had retorted and Dean had blushed so hard he had to look away.

But Cas wasn’t ready to have him back in his bed. He needed to know for sure that Dean was in this for more, that Dean could prove he was mature enough to handle an actual relationship. 

They met up again for dinner at the Roadhouse, Dean introduced Cas to Ellen and Jo and some other friends that happened to be drinking there.

‘This is my date,’ he said firmly, ‘Castiel Novak.’

Jo smiled, Ellen gave a wink and Bobby rolled his eyes and went back to the buddies he was drinking with.

Bobby’s eye roll made Dean laugh and when he and Cas got a booth Cas asked, ‘What was that for?’ Unsure if he should be concerned.

‘Oh that’s just Bobby,’ Dean said, Castiel’s eyes wide, willing him to elaborate.

‘Bobby is like a father to me. That eye-roll meant, _boy_ -’ And Dean put on a forced southern accent. ‘ _Boy, you are like a son to me and I love you regardless. If you think I would judge you about something like this then you’re an idjit._.. like that. At least I assume it was about that… maybe I owe him some money.’

Cas laughed, that wide grin that spread all the way to his gums that Dean missed so much.

‘I’m surprised they let me back in here.’

‘Why?’

‘Total honesty? I started a fight. When I came over drunk that time… Someone mentioned you and made a joke and…’ Dean was quiet and looked down at his beer, ashamed. 

‘You can’t do that Dean. I don’t want you to get your knuckles bloody for me.’

‘I’m sorry.’ 

‘There are always going to be bigots.’

‘So I’m just supposed to let homophobes say what they want and smile like it’s nothing?’

Cas shook his head. 

‘Seeing you bleeding like that… I’ve seen too much violence in my life-'

‘Cas I would never hurt you, I-' he reached across the table to take Castiel’s hand, not caring who saw or what people thought. 

‘I know. I’d like to see you try and overpower me, I think it would almost be entertaining.’ Cas thought about his army training again and some of the men he had taken down in hand to hand combat, some almost twice his size. 

‘We have to be better than them Dean.’

Dean gave Cas a look as if he couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t put his fist through someone who tried to come for him or Cas first, but he nodded. 

‘For me? Please.’ Cas asked. 

‘Yes.’ Dean nodded and he knew then he would do anything, whatever it took to be with Cas again and gain his trust. 

‘I’m so sorry Cas.’ Dean said after a few moments, breaking the silence. 

‘I know Dean-'

‘I need you to hear me say it.’

‘Dean if I wanted more from you I could have asked. I’m not a possessive person.’

‘I know that Cas. But I’m still sorry. I hurt you over and over and I don’t know if I can ever make it up to you.’

‘Dean-'

‘I need to ask for your forgiveness. You don’t have to forgive me now. Or ever. I understand. I know it will take time but I just need to say it. I’m sorry.’

Cas nodded and gave a small smile. He squeezed Dean's hand to assure him that he was heard.

Again they ate and drank and kept it easy. No expectations or promises to see one another again but just enjoying the company for what it was.


	20. 20

They dated for a while like this. Cas letting Dean back slowly, piece by piece. Dates and dinners at The Roadhouse or the diner, bars, movies, even mini golf once. Then Castiel finally okayed dinners at his and Dean was more than willing to cover his kitchen in flour again. 

One week Cas came home every night to a different pie. Apple, cherry, blueberry, pumpkin, he wondered how Dean didn’t grow sick of it because he was starting to. 

But he couldn’t grow tired of the shit-eating grin Dean gave him every time Castiel arrived home from work to find him, apron on, finally trusting him with the key again even though Dean always text him first now, making sure it was OK for him to let himself in. 

Each night Dean kissed Cas goodbye on the doorstep and carried what was left of the pie to take home or drop off at Bobby’s or Sam’s.

Eventually, Castiel convinced Dean to stop with the pie. As much as he thought about what it meant for Dean, how four year him probably came home from kindergarten to freshly baked pie made by Mary and knew that it was the ultimate symbol of love and home, Dean laughed and understood that Cas really didn’t want to go up another belt notch. 

‘What else can I do?’ Dean asked. 

‘What do you mean?’

‘To make it up to you?’

‘Dean-'

‘I was a grade A-douche. I don’t deny it. But more so I slept with my brother's professor and now I know that when I pick Sam up from campus he knows all about us… I outed you too.’

Cas blushed hard. Yes. That was true. Luckily Sam sat in the back and didn’t speak to him at the university except for polite nods and with only a few weeks left it hadn’t been too bad. He didn’t even follow up Sam with emails about the few seminars he missed because he understood he was probably just putting extra hours into his final dissertation so that he could start law school at Stanford with the highest grade possible. 

There was however the one instance when he had politely greeted a group of students and Jessica had giggled and turned red as she waved at him beside Sam. Clearly in on what was going on. 

‘I wasn’t in the closet Dean. I haven’t been for years so perhaps you should really be making it up to Sam.’

Dean shrugged. 

‘I’m going to help him move and drop a bunch of prize money in his bag when he’s not looking. Sam and I don’t really do that kind of… you know?’

‘Girly chick-flick crap?’ Cas asked, an eyebrow raised. 

‘Exactly. That’s now strictly reserved for you.’

Cas blushed again. 

‘You know I never actually wanted that. I just wanted you. To see yourself the way I do.’

Dean nodded and leaned forward across the gap between their chairs at the dining table to kiss Cas softly. 

\---

Cas didn’t want to punish Dean. He couldn’t help but feel like he was punishing himself sometimes, the way they would make out in the kitchen before Dean left to go back to his and they had to almost pry themselves apart from one another. 

Cas just wanted to reflect more on their relationship, set more clear parameters of what they expected from one another. The only rule they'd had last time was no rules and it had hardly worked. 

But they could only go so long without touching. When they finally got their hands on each other again it was like a switch flicked back on and they could barely hold back the need to be close to one another.

‘I want it Cas.’ Dean said one night as they undressed one another, kissing every inch of naked skin that appeared.

‘Want what?’

‘I want my boyfriend to fuck me.’

‘You should call him then,’ Cas said, deadpan, with just the tiniest hint of a smile.

‘Quit sassing me, Novak.’ Dean retorted, pushing Cas further down onto the bed. ‘Can you give me what I want?’

Castiel knew he wasn’t just asking about the sex, but asking if Cas could be his boyfriend.

He wanted to make a joke in response, but instead he just brought his lips to Dean's ear and almost moaned, ‘Yes, Dean.’

Slick with sweat and breathless, they held each other tightly.

Castiel had been so gentle with Dean, so tender. Dean was so happy that he was able to share the experience with Cas, knowing how much he trusted him, with his body, his heart.

They stayed up late talking about their childhoods, Castiel in particular, sharing that he had grown up in foster care. Never truly feeling wanted anywhere until at eighteen he was old enough to join the army. 

He had wanted to join the Air Force first. To fly, get a pair of wings. But he hadn’t been smart enough, so the Army it was.

He explained how he came to leave. How he had led a mission that they later found out hadn’t killed the correct target, and instead just caused meaningless innocent casualties.

He was already growing weary, struggling with the concept of constantly following blind orders, constantly keeping a part of himself hidden. It had made sense at eighteen. But the more violence Cas saw, the less faith he had in what they were doing.

He was still grateful for the military but it was a hard time. He was the one protecting freedom, and yet he felt he had none himself.

When he told Dean this, Dean leaned over and kissed the salty tears that fell to Castiel’s cheeks. Dean wanted to ask more questions, know all about the foster homes and what teenage Cas was like in high school but they had time for that. 

Cas fell asleep, safe and warm in Dean's tight hold, and Dean hoped that Cas knew how much he was wanted, how he would always be wanted as long as Dean could show him. 

\---

They fell back into their old ways, Dean started staying the night as well as cooking dinner too. He left clothes and books and his toothbrush and eventually Castiel explained that Dean’s stuff should be at his place when he was there most of the time anyway.

‘Are you sure, Cas?’ Dean asked, tracing the line of stubble over Castiel’s throat with his fingertips one Sunday morning. 

‘I’m sure, Dean.’

It had been months of sleeping alone and Castiel was ready to share his place with Dean again. He found it especially cute when Dean would sneak around trying to make coffee as quietly as possible while Cas sat at the table and graded papers. And when the semester ended and Castiel began the task of marking dissertations and research papers and peer grading exams Dean took over cleaning and tidying the place each evening. Cas had protested but Dean just made him a tea and led him up to bed when it passed one am. 

Dean had even asked Castiel about whether he had spoken to anyone since the wedding and if he wanted to take another road trip to go and visit some of them together during the summer, when Cas was finally done with the year. He had agreed he would call some of them and he felt sure that Dean was really trying to be an actual partner, so rather than keeping out the spare key, it was moved to Dean’s keychain. 

Dean packed up the last few boxes of what little he had and when John asked what he was doing he simply responded, ‘I’m moving in with my boyfriend.’

‘Boyfriend?’ John asked, as if he’d heard wrong.

‘Yes.’ Dean said with complete confidence and a smile.

John just stood in stunned silence and before he could say anything else Dean simply said, ‘You should come over Friday for dinner. I’ll make pie from mom's recipe.’

And he picked up a box and left to put it in his car.

John didn’t come for dinner. He didn’t talk to Dean for a while and barely made eye contact with him at the garage or The Roadhouse.

But John didn’t drink. And luckily him and Sam were on better terms now, so Sam could explain to him that it was 2005 and that it was estimated that there could be up to a million same sex couples in the US and that the world was changing.

He knew it made his dad uncomfortable but he tried for Dean.

‘When you think about it,’ Sam had said ‘Dean's bisexuality is such a part of his personality I’m surprised people didn’t see it sooner. I mean the guy will flirt with anything that moves.’

That had actually made John chuckle a little.

#### \---

Dean wanted to be more upset about his distance from John but he was finally accepting that he had no control over what people thought of him, only over what he could do. And he was only thinking about Cas. What Cas thought of him, and how he could be better. He had burned this bridge so badly that even though the smoke had cleared, he know it would take a long time to truly get the ash out of the air.

Castiel came to every race. He observed from the pit lane this time, watching the same screens as Bobby, letting Ellen squeeze his arm when Dean’s car would graze another.

Each win came with more money and Dean put some of his share aside for his dad. Still adamant about taking care of him even though he was now paying towards Castiel’s bills and John was doing so well that Sam wanted to introduce him to Jess. He put some aside for another road trip with Cas too, no more dingy motels, and he really liked the thought of getting Cas alone in a private hot tub.

Dean and Cas had been on a few double dates with Sam and Jess before they left for Stanford. Finally clearing all the weirdness and Dean loved Jess, mostly because she joined in with him during the compulsory sibling ribbing and Sam and Cas would glance at each other and share an eye roll.

Sometimes Dean picked Cas up from his office. He was still a bit rusty when it came to the PDA but Cas didn’t care. He didn’t have to have his hands on Dean all the time, displaying his possessiveness to the world. The people close to them knew, and this was all that mattered.

An ease came about Dean and he blossomed. Everyday he seemed more stunning to Cas. He struggled to remember how every encounter had begun and ended with frowns and scowls.

Dean stole Castiel’s trench coat and began modelling it around the house with nothing else underneath.

‘What are you doing?’

Dean gave it a little flair.

‘Take that off.’

‘Make me.’ Dean laughed and Cas chased him through the house and up the stairs.

‘Dean, stop being an assbutt!’

‘An assbutt?’ Dean stopped in confusion just long enough for Cas to jump on him.

Cas straddled him, bringing rough kisses down onto his neck and chest, dragging his lips the way he knew tickled Dean.

Dean squirmed and laughed and Cas whispered, ‘Where’s that leather jacket?’

‘Cas no!’ Dean objected, pulling himself up, but Cas was already running down to the closet in the hallway.

#### \---

The season was coming to an end and Dean decided he was going to take a break from racing for a while to focus on being with Cas. 

Bobby suggested smaller competitions but Dean wanted some time off to actually enjoy the time Cas had off from work too. Now that Castiel always came with him, even holding his hand on the occasional plane, he entered more races anyway.

He was always finishing near the front but during the last race on his schedule he finally took first place.

It wasn’t Daytona but he vowed that next year he would be even better and more prepared. He made his way off the podium to where his teammates waited to embrace him but he b-lined straight for Cas who always held back, letting him have his moment.

Sometimes they held hands in line for ice-cream, or Dean would give Cas the occasional playful spank as they moved through the dark movie theatre but kissing wasn’t really their style.

Overcome, however, with how ecstatic he was and how proud Castiel looked of him, Dean pulled off his hat, pushed the trophy into Bobby's hands and sunk a deep, hard kiss down onto Castiel’s lips.

Cas moved into him. Dean's hands rising to hold his face. Cameras flashed, people cheered louder and Dean didn’t care.

Cas had been introduced to everyone at this point, even John who rarely smiled and said nothing. 

Dean noticed John coming towards them, his face expressionless. Cas felt the urge to pull away from Dean, that it was too much and they had gone too far. They barely even acted like friends at these events sometimes, what with the All-American type of people that competed and came to watch the races.

John stopped and Dean waited, wondering if he should put himself between John and Cas.

Dean wasn’t sure what his father would do, but he was still pumped from the race and ready to do what it took to show people that he had made his choice, and he wasn’t to be messed with.

But John reached out, and pulled Dean into a hug. 

Then to Castiel’s utter shook, John reached out to hug him too.

At first Dean thought it was too much, and unnecessary. But Dean loved Cas, the way Sam loved Jess. Cas was family now.

Then everyone was hugging them, one by one, booth with the joy for Dean’s win but also their relationship. Dean had made sure that everyone knew who Castiel was and that he was part of the team now. For once Cas truly felt part of a family, and in all the joy and chaos, Dean’s eyes would find him and they would share a look and in those moments Dean was Castiel’s quiet. His safe mooring. 

When they were finally alone together again, Dean pulled Cas close and leaned down to whisper in his ear.

‘I told you I would show you,’ He said with a smug grin. ‘I will keep showing you. I love you, Cas.’

And Cas just smiled, pulling him back for another kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading guys!  
> This fic was HEAVILY inspired by the songs:  
> 'Cruel Summer', 'Illicit Affairs', 'Hoax' and 'Delicate' - all by Taylor Swift  
> If you give them a listen you might recognise some themes in this fic!
> 
> xxx

**Author's Note:**

> Some disclaimers!  
> 1\. I wrote and edited this fic in the space of about two weeks (don’t ask) and I haven’t written fanfic since like 2014, so I can only apologise for spelling, grammar, discrepancies that I missed during my editing.  
> 2\. I am a motorsport fan but I’m from the UK so I am NOT an expert in NASCAR and I actually don’t know loads about it, but it’s the biggest motorsport *thing* in the US so that seemed more realistic for Dean. If you are an avid NASCAR fan and if any errors/inaccuracies really ruin the story for you, please message me on tumblr. The racing is not supposed to be the main *thing* so hopefully the little details I added to flesh out the story are fine.  
> 3\. I am a huge SPN fan however I stopped watching at around season 10 (pls no hate). I *kind of* keep up with it from a distance (I know what's been happening in the final few seasons) but I will regularly re-watch seasons 1-8 so the characters in those seasons are the ones I know best, and I set this as if Dean is the same age as he is in S1 so that’s what I’m pulling from most.
> 
> My tumblr is [@deletexforever](https://deletexforever.tumblr.com/). I occasionally reblog fandom but I still follow a lot of Superwholock blogs because I am always trying to regress back to my early teens.  
> Thanks for reading!


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